< PREVIOUS ] [ 1986 and Before Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
The salesman at the door saw my potbelly. Mr.
Quillen, I can tell you'd be interested in some beer made
the American Way.
What's wrong with beer made the traditional way, with
pure ingredients and ample fermenting time?
I
asked.
Never mind.
He reached into his sample case.
You'd love this original designer replica of the
Declaration of Independence, heirloom embossed on permanent
parchment. You'll proudly display it and pass it on to your
children. This authentic heritage collectible is a bargain
at $250.
He held out a handsome, oak-framed document.
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness ... that
when any Form of Government becomes destructive of these
Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it,
and institute new Government.
His eyebrows rose as he glared at me. I thought you
were a good citizen, Mr. Quillen. Where did you come up
with that subversive nonsense about abolishing governments
if they interfere with your life, liberty or pursuit of
happiness?
I was only reading out loud from your sample,
I
confessed.
You just buy a copy of the Declaration,he explained.
You're not supposed to read it.
I apologized, but he said that wasn't necessary. Mr.
Quillen, you must realize that times have changed in the
past 210 years. Today, if you're wealthy and you find
something oppressive about the government -- paying your
taxes, for instance -- you don't need to start a
revolution. You just visit Sen. Bill Armstrong's office,
where you have a friend in the tax business.
The salesman reached into his suit coat and produced a
travel brochure that featured the renovated Statue of
Liberty. Isn't she a wonderful lady? `Give me your
tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe
free.' Isn't that great?
It made me feel good to agree with him for a change.
She is great,
I said, inviting him in for coffee.
How can I join the celebration?
Let's see,he mumbled, pulling out a calculator.
$500 for a round-trip ticket to New York, three nights there at S300 per, $1,000 for a luxury cruise through the tan ships, $5,000 to be there when President Reagan lights the torch, plus good seats for the fireworks and the stadium shows.He checked the total.
Mr. Quillen, it shouldn't cost you much more than $10,000 to commemorate the poor, huddled masses.Q>
I don't have that kind of money,
I told him.
Isn't there some other way I can demonstrate my
patriotism?
Certainly. This is America. We offer packages for all
income groups, without regard to race or creed. Would you
consider serving your country?
My eyes lit up at the prospect. Of course,
I
said. I'd be glad to work in Washington for a few years
in a powerful position. I could either abuse the office and
become infamous, or wait until I left and then tattle on
the people that hired me. Either way, my writing career
would blossom. Look at John Ehrlichman, or David Stockman
with that $2 million advance. I'd be pleased and honored to
make those sacrifices for my country.
He asked about my background, education and income, and
then announced the patriotism package for me. You'd get
$573.60 a month, and nobody win buy a book about it. But
you'd be furthering the American ideals of democracy and
rugged individualism by wearing a uniform and obeying
orders.
I tried that once,
I said.
Well, we do have a few other patriotic bargains,
he conceded. Like this 100 percent American flag, based
on the original Betsy Ross design, hand-hemmed in
Singapore. Or these glorious red, white and blue fireworks,
crafted by the legendary artisans of Macao. Look at this
Liberty Bell miniature. See that splendid patina of real
bronze, custom-cast from prime Chilean copper and pure
Bolivian tin?
He glanced over at me and frowned. Mr. Quillen, the
only thing you've shown any interest in was the Declaration
of Independence. You haven't bought one single thing. Don't
you have any patriotism?
Until I figure out a way to sell patriotism,
I
told him. I guess I won't be able to afford any.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1986 and Before Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >