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President Reagan has decided that Americans deserve more than the right to worship, the right to free speech and the right to harass voters and become chief justice. He, Nancy and the rest of the New Right want to add a new right -- the Right to a Drug-Free Workplace.
In late 1977, I ventured to Breckenridge to edit its weekly newspaper, which was thriving and winning all manner of awards, thanks to a talented, competent staff. I could rely on them to do good work and do it on time. We could have taught the Japanese some lessons about productivity and quality-consciousness.
But if that was a drug-free workplace,
then
Denver has the cleanest air in America, it's safe to drink
Adams County water and economic development will benefit
you even if you don't have real estate to subdivide.
I must forebear particulars, since many of those people
I worked with then can now afford attorneys, but it was
there that I first heard that Reality is for people who
can't handle drugs.
Only Hunter Thompson could truly
describe a Tuesday night in the Breckenridge backshop when
the staff was on deadline, among other things.
When I compare that exuberant and productive environment, however rampant the abuse of controlled substances, to some other places I've worked, I conclude that President Reagan is on the wrong track. If he wants Americans to approach their jobs each day with feelings other than dread, frustration and hostility, he ought to promote one of these:
The Stupidity-Free Workplace. You wouldn't have to call the author of a memo to find out what it meant, since in this environment, it would have been written clearly in the first place. People wouldn't summon $60-an-hour repairmen until they had read the instruction manuals and made sure the machine was plugged in. The competent employees could get on with their own work, since they wouldn't have to spend most of their time correcting or redoing everyone else's work.
The Sales-Free Workplace. While on company time, you
never get the chance to purchase raffle chances, dance
tickets or organic eclairs. Your boss isn't asking
you to buy Girl Scout cookies so that his spoiled daughter
will beat her quota. Never does a moonlighting co-worker
offer you a great deal on Amway products.
The Hypocrisy-Free Workplace. No receptionist ever tells
callers He's in a meeting now
when he's spending the
afternoon with a friend at the No-Tell Motel. Creditors
will not hear I'm sure we put your check in the
mail.
No one ever says Trust me
or I'll get
back to you.
When the boss says Times are tough, but
you don't have to worry about your jobs,
people do not
rush to their desks, pull out the master copies of their
resumes and line up at the copying machine.
The Dress-for-Success-Free Workplace. Its managers are so competent that they can evaluate subordinates by their performance at job-related tasks, rather than by their resemblance to the models adorning advertisements in Cosmopolitan and Esquire. People talk about the projects they're imagining, instead of the image they're projecting. Women's feet do not ache at the end of the day, and dry-cleaners file for bankruptcy.
The New-Age-Free Workplace. It would not have people who
boast about how easily they ran five miles before work that
morning, but can't go on a three-block errand because
someone else has the company car. Nobody shoves her work
off on you by explaining that she's a concept person,
not an execute person.
No one does power breakfast,
lunch or tea. Workers who like to bowl or pitch horseshoes
will not be made to feel inferior to those who spend their
weekends free-climbing 5.11 rock faces or running Class VI
rapids.
If President Reagan would lead the campaign, progressive employers would hasten to boost worker morale and productivity by adopting one of these workplaces, rather than Drug-Free or Smoke-Free.
And I know that I, for one, would be willing to take my
chances with drug-addled co-workers if I could toil in a
Stupidity-Free Environment, or even a Broncos-Free
Ambiance, wherein anyone who said words like Elway,
Reeves,
Greeley
or Pasadena
on company
time would be dismissed -- after his tongue had been cut
out.
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