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President Reagan descended to eat lunch in an airplane
hanger Monday afternoon, and departed Denver long before
the sun had set. Rep. Ken Kramer said this was the
single most successful political event ever held in the
history of our state.
It had to be the most profitable catering event in the history of our state: 1,824 people -- all fiscal conservatives, no doubt -- paid $500 apiece for a meal of hot air, cold beef and cold fish.
Those profits go to Kramer's campaign fund, so that he can buy more television time. Which suits me, because I don't watch much television, and I always read my mail. The more time Kramer spends on the tube explaining how he ought to be elected because he isn't very good at politics, the less time he'll have to send letters to his constituents.
I've never discovered just what crime I committed in
order to be placed in a remote corner of Kramer's
congressional district. You can always tell which issues
are trendy in Washington, because you'll get a Special
Report from Ken Kramer
about that issue. You can also
tell which issues are important to the rural parts of the
Fifth Congressional District, because Kramer never mentions
them.
If foreign terrorists lead the network news, Kramer's letter explains that he has introduced a law which mandates the death penalty for anyone who murders an American citizen abroad. He doesn't explain how such murderers might be caught, extradited and tried, or why people who have to save up for a trip to the county seat should care about reducing the already minimal risks faced by the jet set.
If Kramer to wants use the AT&T break-up as campaign fodder against Tim Wirth, he polls his constituents, of course at taxpayer expense, about telephone service. He doesn't propose to do anything about it. Nor does he explain why he appears to think that we'd be better served by regressing to an arrogant monopoly that stifled new technology.
Lately drug abuse has dominated the newsweekly covers,
so in Monday's mail there was a Kramer Report. You won't
have a bit of trouble guessing its topic. You also won't
have much trouble guessing Kramer's solution -- increased
penalties, such as life imprisonment for anyone who sells
LSD within 1,000 feet of a school. As a parent of two
daughters in grade school, I'd like to tell you that I'll
sleep better at night if Kramer manages to pass the
Repeat Drug Offender Penalty Act of 1986.
But I'd still toss and turn. Some of our drinking water comes from the Arkansas River, the outlet for the Yak Tunnel near Leadville. Water from that old mine drainage tunnel is rich in arsenic, selenium, cadmium and other substances which do not build strong bodies.
It is quite difficult to teach your kids to just say
no
when someone offers them a glass of tap water. But
the last time I saw Kramer posturing about toxic waste, it
was the Lowry landfill. It's not in his district, but it is
convenient to the Denver television stations.
I could worry about my kids' social life, too. Their friends keep moving away, because their fathers can't find work around here. Sure, Kramer brings federal money, with its attendant possibilities for employment, into his district. But the money goes only to Colorado Springs, not anywhere else. The rest of us, I guess, can move there and learn to build lasers if we'd like to eat regularly.
That is, if we can get there. Most of Kramer's district will be without any sort of public transportation if Continental Trailways carries through on its plan to abandon service in Colorado. But I haven't heard that Kramer, always eager to denounce the deregulation of telecommunications, has any opinions about the deregulation of transportation or its effects on his constituents.
He apparently thinks that if you don't own a car, you don't matter. If you don't want to move to the Springs to hustle Star Wars money, that's your tough luck. If his constituents can't afford $500 for lunch, let them drink arsenic.
I can certainly understand why Kramer is running for Senate. If it were my job to represent people around here, and I'd been doing that job the way Kramer has been doing his, I'd be looking for other work, too.
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