< PREVIOUS ] [ 1986 and Before Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
Once upon a time, I could spot junk mail as soon as I opened my post-office box, and deposit the unopened envelopes in the lobby trashcan. But as the campaigns began to heat up last summer, I began to be fooled. An official-looking envelope with a Washingon return address would compel me to open it, only to find a message like this:
Dear fellow Colorado Republican:
As you well know, we face a tough battle against drug
peddlers, porno promoters and godless heathens if we want
to maintain Republican control of the U.S. Senate in order
to continue the marvelous prosperity that you have enjoyed
ever since President Reagan . . .
The Republicans must have had trouble with their computerized mailing list. Why else would I receive a letter targeted for bankruptcy attorneys -- the only Colorado people I know of who have prospered during the Reagan years.
Soon I was able to identify such letters, and they went unopened to the trashcan. Unfortunately, politicians aren't the only people who find it useful to cameoflage their correspondence.
Recently I dealt with the Internal Revenue Service. Getting a letter from the IRS is a terrifying experience for any self-employed person. As soon as I thought the matter was settled, I picked up my mail this Tuesday. In the box was something that bore the ominous trappings of a federal indictment. My heart pounding, I ripped it open.
Case No. 913 turned out to be a fund-raising letter from the American Civil Liberties Union. Just how my name emerged on both the ACLU and Colorado Republican mailing lists is a mystery, and I often wonder at the ACLU's sense of priorities. Some issue must be more serious than Christmas lights on public buildings.
This time it was. The ACLU wanted money for a campaign to remove Edwin Meese as attorney general of the United States. I didn't donate, but the cause seems noble. As nearly as I can tell, I'm more qualified than Edwin Meese is to hold that job. I don't have a law degree, but I do know the difference between the Bill of Rights and a roll of toilet paper.
Then I noticed a check in the mail. This also appeared
to come from the federal government. The envelope bore a
legend urging me to buy U.S. savings bonds
as well
as the notice Postmaster: to effect expeditious
delivery, handle in according with sections 134.12 to
134.82 of the United States Postal Service
Regulations.
Through the cellophane window I could see TO THE
ORDER OF
and my name, all printed on banknote paper. Of
course I opened it. Of course there was no check in the
mail.
Instead, it was a Merchandise Gift Voucher.
First, though, I'd have to tour the Blue Mesa Recreational
Ranch, over by Gunnison. After several hours as the captive
audience for a sales pitch, I'd learn which gift I had
coming. I had one chance in 400,000 of winning a new car,
one chance in 400,000 for a color television, and 398,000
chances at a $500 bond.
An almost-certain $500 didn't sound bad for a day, even
a day of being hustled to buy a campsite I don't need for
the recreational vehicle I don't own. Then I remememberd
some financial instruments called stripped zero coupon
bonds.
A 30-year zero with a face value of $500 fetches
about $47.53 right now. I shouldn't complain. It's worth
more than the check I thought I was getting.
By disguising their envelopes, the junk mailers have penetrated our defenses. Our only hope now is to take the offensive.
I've heard that you can take one of those No postage
necessary if mailed in the United States
evelopes, and
tape it to the outside of a parcel containing a brick. Then
they have to pay first-class postage for the brick. But
I've never tried it; does anyone know if it really
works?
Once I received an envelope which said, in huge letters,
HERPES TEST RESULTS. PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL.
It
turned out to contain a note from -- no, I shouldn't say
who. He's the editorial page editor of a metropolitan
newspaper, and he could always find another columnist.
I can imagine the snickers among the office staff if one of those were addressed to the state chairman of a political party, but would it keep me from getting those disguised solicitations?
I don't know, so I'm open to suggestions. You can mail them to me at P.O. Box 548 in Salida. Just don't make your letter look like a check, or I'll probably throw it away, unopened.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1986 and Before Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >