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Even after the election, there is still serious talk that government ought to be run like a business. It's an interesting notion, so I tried to imagine what would happen if our current national CEO, Ronald Reagan, were called before the Board of Directors for his annual performance review.
Mr. Reagan, when you came aboard, you said a major
priority would be reducing Americorp's huge standing debt.
Yet the long-term debt has more than doubled in the six
years you've been in charge.
That reminds me of a story. You see there was this
family -- families are truly the pillar of Americorp -- in
Illinois, or maybe it was Iowa. Anyway, they were in one of
our great midwestern . . .
Never mind, Mr. Reagan. We have a more pressing
matter to discuss -- our foreign dealings. Do you recall
that the Board made it quite clear that you were to limit
corporate assistance to our Contra subsidiary in
Nicaragua?
What Contra subsidiary? We don't have any
subsidiaries there. Oh, I know, some of our employees have
been helping out down there during their free time, out of
the goodness of their hearts. That must be what you're
talking about.
Mr. Reagan, corporate policy, as set by the board, is
to limit Contra assistance to medical benefits in our
takeover bid. And yet we understand that you have defied
our policy and gone far beyond your authority. You provided
ammunition, weapons and transportation. You'd better have a
good explanation for this flagrant disobedience.
Gentlemen, the Contra non-subsidiary received that
assistance from external sources -- a Swiss bank
account.
The Board is quite concerned about this, Mr. Reagan.
It's damaging our public image. Do you know anything about
this Swiss bank account?
Why should I? Volunteerism is what makes our company
so great. If people want to contribute to a noble cause,
that's their right.
Of course it is, Mr. Reagan. But we have reason to
believe that Americorp funds were secretly diverted to that
Swiss account. Even worse, it appears that the money came
from transactions specifically forbidden by the
Board.
I'm not sure I understand.
Mr. Reagan, you announced a corporate policy that
Americorp would not do business with terrorists or anyone
who supported terrorists. Iran supports terrorists,
including the people who killed our security employees in
Beirut. So we shouldn't be doing business with Iran,
right?
Of course not.
But yet Americorp somehow arranged to sell arms to
Israel, which would then sell the arms, at an exorbitant
mark-up, to Iran -- a company you agreed we should not be
dealing with. In return for this favor, Iran would release
a hostage with each arms transaction. And the profits from
these sales would go to the Swiss bank account, which in
turn funded the Contra subsidiary's takeover attempt --
assistance that you were specifically forbidden from
rendering.
That's awful. I didn't know anything like that was
going on. I'll have to look into it. You know how it is.
Sometimes your subordinates overstep their job
descriptions.
Mr. Reagan, didn't you hire those subordinates?
Aren't they directly accountable to you? Isn't it part of
your duty to hire trustworthy people and to monitor their
work?
Whether they follow corporate policy or not, they're
all dedicated and loyal employees.
Mr. Reagan, the Board sees only two possibilities.
The first is that you've known about and approved of all
these improper actions, which means you have violated our
charter, policies and by-laws, and you're unfit to
continue. The second is that all this was going on behind
your back, which means you're an incompetent manager. You
hired the wrong people, and then didn't monitor them.
You've shirked your sworn responsibilities. You're either
dishonest or incompetent.
The CEO leaned back and issued one of his charming
smiles. That might be so, gentlemen. But I'm not worried
about keeping my job here.
Why not?
the Board demanded in unison.
Because under our charter, you'd have to replace me
with the vice-president. And he's in this deeper than I
am.
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