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We used to have a collie named Jezebel, who was a fine, loyal dog. She came when she was called, got along well with the children, barked furiously whenever strangers approached, and believed that I was the noblest, smartest creature on earth.
Her only discernible defect was that she would not ride in the back of a pickup. Put her back there, and she'd jump out before you got into the cab. Tie her to a sidewall, and she'd try to hang herself in her haste to escape. While someone else drove, you could sit back there and hold her, but only with a struggle.
As a canine defect, this is hardly on the order of not being housebroken, but it was still annoying. All dogs like to swim in places like mobile home park sewage lagoons or old mine tunnels knee deep in orange water. No dog has ever shook itself dry outdoors after an afternoon swim.
Letting the dog into the cab means at least an hour of cleaning before the place is fit for humans. Making the dog ride in back means the wind will take care of most of the problem. A dog in back also means that whatever you have in your pickup will be safe from theft if you should stop and go in somewhere. I always swore that the next dog I got would know how to ride in a pickup.
But that will probably be illegal soon. State Rep. Kathi Williams of Westminster plans to introduce a law which mandates a $50 fine for anyone who totes a hound around in the back of a pickup. Since the only people who indulge in this activity are rural low-lifes who can't afford lobbyists and who don't contribute to campaigns, her bill will doubtlessly come to pass.
If there had been reports that innocent bystanders in shopping-mall parking lots had been ravaged by vicious pickup-borne dogs, then such a law might be necessary for public safety. But I haven't heard of any such incidents.
So this proposed legislation must be part of an as yet unannounced economic development plan. After all, the easiest way to raise Colorado's per-capita income is to get rid of poor people.
Some of us, however, don't have dogs. So I suggest that Rep. Williams revise her proposed bill to provide fines or imprisonment for certain other common practices of the economically disadvantaged rural population:
· No more ball caps, gimme caps or whatever you
call them. The hats with a visor and a message above, like
CATERPILLAR
or CLIMAX MOLYBDENUM
or my
current haberdashery, CUT NO SLAK CONSTRUCTION.
They
shade your eyes and keep your hair out of your face, but
they also give Colorado an image problem, and that keeps
eastern financiers from investing here and making us all
prosperous.
· No more belt knives. Sure, they're useful for everything from opening the mail to installing computer circuit boards, and having a big blade always at hand makes you more productive. And they're probably also a threat to public health and safety, just like Rocky Flats or dogs in pickups. Rocky Flats can afford lobbyists, though.
· No more blue jeans. If we get rid of simple clothes that last forever and don't need ironed, then dry-goods merchants and dry-cleaners will prosper immediately. Well-faded American jeans sell for $70 apiece in France, $100 in Japan, and untold sums in the Soviet Union. So the state government could confiscate all Colorado denim; with such an inventory, our treasury could profit mightily from the international trade that everyone says Colorado should get into.
· No more beaters. In the quaint mountain
dialect, a beater
is a dented oil-burning pickup at
least 15 years old, used to haul skis, trash, firewood and
dogs. Bring back the safety-inspection law, and most of
them will be off the road. A strong open-container law will
probably take care of the rest, since beater drivers
generally measure distance by six-packs.
Those are a start. A serious effort would probably involve a beard tax like Peter the Great's, a statewide ban on clotheslines like those already in effect in upscale suburbs and a requirement, like the Soviet Union's, that all citizens hold regular jobs, whereat image-conscious employers can take care of whatever flaws the legislature missed. When Colorado launches a war on poverty, it should be an all-out effort.
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