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For 36 years, I suffered the misfortune of living in a jurisdiction which lacked an Official State Grass. Life was often hard during those times, so I'm pleased to note that this problem has been corrected by the current session of the Colorado General Assembly.
Just why Blue Gramma Grass deserves this distinction escapes me. It isn't unique to Colorado. It doesn't sprout pretty flowers on the prairie. It isn't as nutritious as alfalfa. It doesn't contribute nearly as much to the state economy as the kind of grass they grow surreptitiously over in Delta County.
Even before our official grass got designated, we sported quite an assortment of totems: flower, animal, bird, gem, fossil, tree and fish.
Why should we stop there?
Where's our Official State Insect? The Mountain Mosquito, a huge and voracious beast, ought to be a contender, along with the Prairie Horsefly, also huge and voracious. Or we could promote a high-tech image by adopting the Software Bug, found in every computer system.
The mining industry has lately complained that Colorado hasn't been treating it fairly; we could honor mining and history by designating the Silverfish.
Most of our vermin, though, just carry generic afflictions like malaria and plague, diseases that you can catch anywhere in the Third World. Only the maternal Woodtick transmits Colorado Tick Fever and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, so she clearly deserves this honor.
This leads to consideration of the Official State
Disease. Again, we could honor our mineral heritage by
designating Pneumoconiosis, also known as rocks in the
box
and miner's consumption.
More current possibilities include two afflictions that thrive in our high country, Giardia and Concainomania.
However, I'd consider long-term historical impact and nominate Tuberculosis. Back when Denver was famous for its clean air, thousands of sufferers moved here and contributed substantially toward Colorado's growth and progress; in the process, they arranged for sanatoriums and hospitals. Now that Denver is infamous for its air, having all those pulmonary research facilities will come in handy.
We have a State Flower and a State Grass. But we've still neglected other portions of the botanical kingdom. Where's our State Fungus -- will it be homely but edible, attractive but poisonous, or hallucinogenic? And what about a State Cactus?
Just as we should honor the mining industry in our Colorado heraldry, we shouldn't forget the livestock industry. We wouldn't if we had a State Weed -- something that flourishes on badly overgrazed public land, like the Russian Thistle or the Sagebrush.
We've got the aquamarine for our State Gem, but how about a State Element? A lot of states don't even have arsenic, cadmium or selenium, let alone carry them in drinking water.
We could also specify an Official State Soil, such as Planosolic Chernozem or Solonetzic Lithisol. Mix it with Official State Water -- naturally, this would be water that had been transported from a useless mountain creek to a productive suburban lawn -- and we would have Official State Mud.
Why stop at a bird and a beast apiece from the animal kingdom?
Every time I hike above timberline, I enjoy the company of the whistling woodchucks; I'd like to see the Yellow-Bellied Marmot designated our State Rodent, even though the Bipedal Rat is much more prominent and influential.
The bighorn looks majestic, but he's a sheep. The only thing sheep are known for is stupidity. Note that TV evangelists refer to themselves as shepherds and to their audiences as their flocks.
Further, our State Fossil, the stegosaurus, had more brains in his rear end than in his head -- scientific proof, should anyone need it, that the Republican Caucus of the Colorado Senate has been around for a long, long time.
Are we ever going to fund a Science Park or land a Supercollider if we insist on projecting that kind of image? If we're going to grow and prosper, we've got to get people to quit thinking that Colorado is a reservation for the fuzzy-minded.
We can do that by honoring cunning and intelligence with an Official State Predator. I suggest either the Coyote or the Attorney, but the position is still open.
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