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Perhaps it's something in the air or water. Or an outbreak of some mysterious but contagious mental disorder. There has to be some simple explanation for the current problem. Colorado appears bound and determined to run somebody for the presidency of the United States.
It hasn't worked so far. Our hottest prospect was Gary Hart. He came on as a legitimate contender in 1984. He missed the nomination, but he had a national organization in place for 1988. He was handsome, articulate and prominent, and now he's sinking into oblivion. He's getting so obscure that several weeks have passed since I heard a new Gary Hart joke. The worst of it is that the fellow telling the joke first asked me if I knew who Gary Hart was.
Between Hart's failures, Bill Armstrong got touted as presidential material. Our Republican senator even announced that he might campaign as a champion of morality.
Alas, he has since decided not to run for president. That's a loss. I, for one, would have enjoyed watching him explain why it's right and proper to hustle tax breaks for your business associates, and why it isn't right or proper to listen to rock 'n' roll.
That should have been enough. But it wasn't. The other day I picked up the paper, and learned that Pat Schroeder is now exploring her prospects. Although I have nothing against her running, I can't help but wonder what life would be like if various other Colorado politicians somehow became president. We might be reading stories like these.
· President Ted Strickland yesterday canceled his annual State of the Union address, scheduled for tonight.
Strickland had planned a private meeting with congressional leaders to present his message. By statute and tradition, however, the address is delivered to a public session of Congress.
How am I supposed to get any business done with
Congress,
the President complained, when the press
and the public are looking over my shoulder all the time?
Rather than speak where I might be accountable for what I
say, I'll just cancel the darn thing.
· President-elect Roy Romer has revealed that cabinet selection is proceeding more slowly than anticipated.
I've been trying to recruit the brightest, most
successful people I can find in order to build American
into the Athens of the World,
Romer explained. But a
lot of these people are in their 50s and 60s, and they give
that as an excuse for not serving in my cabinet.
Earlier, Romer said that he wanted his cabinet members to develop trust and confidence in each other. To that end, the first cabinet session will be a winter climb of Mt. McKinley, followed by scuba diving in Hawaii and hang-gliding in Yosemite National Park.
· Even though his approval rating in the polls has been declining precipitously, President Federico Peña was optimistic yesterday when he announced he would run for re-election.
Four years ago, I asked you to imagine a great
nation,
the beleaguered President said, and with
your support, we can still imagine one.
He closed his
eyes and counted to three.
Peña also promised that in his next term, he
would appoint competent cabinet members, rather than pay
off political debts to pressure groups. He also pledged
that he would scour Europe and Asia for more world-class
consultants to study the crucial issues that our nation
faces.
· President Dick Lamm denied that mobilization plans are in effect, but conceded that all American forces have been placed on combat alert.
Lamm's announcement came at a news conference yesterday
when he was asked how he planned to respond to an invasion
by Mexico. Although the Mexican invaders are unarmed, the
President said they constituted a grave threat. We won
that land from Mexico in 1846,
he said, and now
they're trying to sneak in and take it back.
Lamm said he had learned his lesson and would not act precipitously again. Early in his administration, his efforts to balance the budget were frustrated by growing expenses for Social Security and Medicare.
Tactical nuclear strikes at retirement centers in Arizona and Florida reduced the number of aid recipients, thus bringing the budget into line. Lamm explained the action by saying that public resources should not be squandered on unproductive parasites who were merely postponing their civic duty to perish.
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