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Among the other unsolicited material in my mailbox the other day was an opportunity to purchase favorable consideration from the County Sheriffs of Colorado, Inc.
They didn't quite phrase it that way, of course. The
form letter was headed Sheriff Kenneth W. Dahl, Chaffee
County.
I'm sure that the computer which generated
these form letters printed the appropriate sheriff's name
for people in other counties.
The letter began by informing me that On January 1,
1987, I was sworn in . . .
Actually, he was sworn in on
Jan. 13, 1987. One of the alleged goals of this statewide
association of county sheriffs is to increase respect for
law enforcement. Just how much respect am I supposed to
develop for an outfit that can't even get its dates
straight?
Anyway, you're supposed to send in $20. That makes you an Honorary Member of the County Sheriffs of Colorado. As such, you get a year's subscription to their magazine, a membership card for your wallet, and a bumper sticker for your car.
Just what is your bumper sticker supposed to signify?
As nearly as I can figure, there are only two possibilities:
1. Bumper sticker or no bumper sticker, you will be treated just like any other citizen whenever you have to deal with the county sheriff or one of his deputies.
2. The bumper sticker will inform the sheriff or deputy that you're a right-thinking supporter of law and order. Any problems will be viewed as a misunderstanding between friends, rather than as a possible violation of state law.
If the first is true, then you don't get anything for your $20. Although that speaks well for the impartiality of local law enforcement, it causes me to wonder whether the postal authorities are paying attention here.
If the second is true -- that is, if your $20 is getting you something worth having -- then you're able to buy favorable treatment from our criminal justice system.
Does that happen now? I don't know. It used to. When I was a teen-ager, I was in the laundry office in Greeley with my father, who had just purchased several tickets to the annual Policeman's Ball.
Since he never went to dances, I asked why he bought the
tickets. Years ago, when the family owned the laundry in
Douglas, Wyo.,
he explained, your grandfather once
neglected to buy tickets to their Policeman's Ball.
Suddenly, our delivery trucks got ticketed for double
parking. Our drivers got speeding citations for going 2 mph
over the limit. We caught on real fast. I don't know if it
works that way in Greeley, but I'm not about to find out. I
just play it safe by buying tickets to the ball.
If this hustle by the sheriffs' association is successful, other organizations might well follow suit.
Send $20 to the Colorado Association of County Assessors for an honorary membership, and you get a decal for your front door which indicates your support for their important work. And houses with decals presumably aren't worth as much when it's re-appraisal time.
Or pay $20 to the Colorado Confederation of County Clerks, and receive a distinctive membership card. It's so distinctive that it can be seen easily when you're standing toward the rear of a long line waiting to buy license plates or transfer a title. Just wave your card, and you move to the front of the line.
Maybe policemen could send $20 to the Colorado Alliance of Newspaper Columnists. As honorary members, they could indulge in high-speed chases without incurring the wrath of Tom Gavin.
While such speculation is enchanting, it's also unfair. In my years as a small-town newspaperman, I dealt with many county sheriffs. Most of them were capable and trustworthy men who operated with limited resources under tremendous pressure. And they were as impartial in their enforcement of the law as human nature allows anyone to be.
So why are they allowing their good names to be used in this sort of sleazy solicitation?
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