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Because the fine print at the bottom of this column
identifies me as a free-lance writer,
I often get
calls or letters from people who want to know how they,
too, can move into that glamorous and exciting career.
Although my workday generally holds all the glamour and excitement of mowing one's lawn, I do want to be helpful. So I'll explain how to become a big-time author.
A surgeon becomes a successful surgeon by gaining expertise at the skills of his profession: slicing, stitching, fee-splitting, developing a referral network, etc. The same holds true for car mechanics, lawyers, prostitutes, computer programmers and the practioners of all profession except one.
Unfortunately, the close-cover-before-striking correspondence schools mislead people into thinking that writing works the same way. They start you with nouns and verbs. You struggle with phrases and clauses before moving to paragraph structure. After you're comfortable with narration, dialogue, description and the like, then you can take up writing as a career.
But a working knowledge of English grammar and syntax is not important to best-selling authors. You can always hire people for the drudgery of making a manuscript readable. If you want to see your name on the best-seller lists while you're making the rounds of the talk shows, then you must:
· Become rich and powerful. You're wrong if you think that you write the best-seller first, and then enjoy wealth and prestige. Things work the other way in America. First you run a car company (Iacocca) or star in a TV series (Past Imperfect). Raid your way down Wall Street (Boone), preside over corruption (Mayor), or make a billion in oil (Hammer). Then you can be an author.
· Become notorious. You can marry into notoriety (Elvis and Me) or be adopted into it (Mommie Dearest). If your family is steadfastly normal, try some in-house murder (Fatal Vision). Commit felonies in the White House (Witness to Power). Or just operate a house (Mayflower Madam).
Granted, those acts are arduous and demanding. They require a considerable commitment to your writing career. Not everyone is up to the challenge. However, we can gainsome consolation by noting that the road to the top may be getting smoother. If The Donna Rice Story hits the best-seller list, then a mere weekend liaison could suffice for future aspirants. Anybody can find time for that.
· Be inspirational. Why worry about facts, common sense or even readable prose when there are millions of people waiting to spend good money for something uplifting? Especially something that makes them feel superior to everyone else, on account of a given trait: selfishness (The Road Less Traveled), a blessed afterlife (The Late Great Planet Earth), enchanting past lives (Out on a Limb) or constant hugging (Living and Loving).
· Be creative. Not creative in the sense of
creative writing,
but creative in your ability to
invent a problem and give it a catchy name while your book
provides the solution.
Are there men who like to sit with their friends, watching football games and drinking beer every weekend? Don't let those jerks get away with thinking that they're just normal American men. Proclaim that they suffer from the Peter Pan Syndrome, and their exasperated wives will rush to the bookstores to buy your solution.
Are there women who don't much care for the men they spend time with? Comfort them with Smart Women, Foolish Choices, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them or Women Who Love too Much.
Do meetings consume your workday? Become a One-Minute Manager. Confused by a changing world? Get on top of it all with Megatrends. Did you miss the last promotion? Don't bother doing better work. The way to improve your career is to Dress for Success or acquire Thin Thighs in Thirty Days.
There's more to explain, of course. But I've got to get away from my desk so I can become a real writer. I'll either commit a heinous crime, or else convince a publisher that I grew up with Donna Rice and Ollie North, and spent last summer with them aboard Ivan Boesky's yacht in the Mediterranean, when it was attacked by Iranian moderates....
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