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With the defection of former State Sen. Martha Ezzard and the rumors that Attorney General Duane Woodard might leave the fold, there are rumors Colorado Republicans are engaged in serious soul-searching.
Certain uncharitable sorts might wonder where the state GOP acquired a scanning electron microscope for this exercise, but I am not among them. Instead, I've attempted to assemble a brief explanation of Colorado Republican principles, as best as I can understand such principles from recent sessions of the legislature.
DEMOCRACY: We firmly believe that the will of the public should prevail, unless a committee chairman thinks otherwise and refuses to schedule a vote on the bill. And each member is free to vote his conscience, representing his constituents as best he can -- until he emerges from our binding caucus.
ETHICS: We're against blatant bribery. It's so crude. If people want to give us money to influence our votes, let them engage our law firms or hire us as their public-affairs consultants.
HOLIDAYS: We opposed, for as long as we could, the establishment of Martin Luther King Day. To restore some balance to our calendar, as well as to demonstrate to working people and to poor people just where they stand in our regard, we propose making April 20 a state holiday. That, of course, is the anniversary of the Ludlow Massacre of 1914, when our very own state militia killed 40 coal miners who had the audacity to complain about working 12 hours a day for $1.68 -- paid in scrip redeemable only at the company store. What better way than a holiday to celebrate this great victory that gave Colorado a stable business climate, suitable for continued economic development?
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: Certainly, we believe in local government. It's good to have around. For instance, when we feel public pressure for new programs, we mandate that counties and cities implement these programs, but we don't give them any money for the programs. That way, when taxes go up, it's local taxes that go up. The county commissioners or city council members have to take the heat, and we get to take the credit. See why we like local governments?
Otherwise, we pretty much believe in keeping the state out of strictly local matters. Except that we figure Denver's residency requirement for employees is our business, not Denver's. And that no local government has the power, even if exercised by a public initiative, to change a zoning decision if that change might injure the interests of a real-estate speculator. Local government is a good thing, of course, but letting it interfere with the Divine Right of Developers is taking a good thing too far.
ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION: It looks good to have laws that prohibit dumping toxic materials into rivers. However, when the attorney general attempts to enforce those laws, the public interest is best served by cutting his budget. Maybe he'll wise up and understand that just because we pass some laws doesn't mean we want them enforced.
We're also fully aware that the Brown Cloud is a health hazard. We say so every election year. But we're all for continued metropolitan growth as well as more highways. Some people say there's a connection, but what do they know? One worrisome factor is that our own Sen. Bill Armstrong is starting to take the Brown Cloud seriously. He's even wondering about ways to improve mass transit and reduce driving. Will we have to run him out of the party for that?
TOURISM: Sure, we're aware that our policies insure that Colorado's high country will be dewatered and despoiled, and that tourists really don't come from all over the world to see our shopping malls and fast-food stands.
But Colorado can maintain a strong tourist industry by maintaining a strong advertising campaign, even if those scenic ads have nothing to do with the depressing reality.
There are some who say this wouldn't work, that people are smart enough to see through that. But we, the Republicans of the Colorado General Assembly, know full well that strong advertising and public-relations campaigns can cover up an awful lot of embarrassing facts. How else do you think we manage to get re-elected all the time?
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