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It was Martha who picked up the Jan. 4 Newsweek, read
the cover story, and then announced: Look at this, Ed.
The greedy, materialistic 80s are officially over. Now
everybody's going to start living the way we do.
Wait a minute,
I protested. I'm just as greedy
and materialistic as Ivan Boesky ever was. It's just that I
was never very good at it.
Never mind,
she replied. It says here that
charity and helpfulness are going to be desirable traits.
Don't you think you could be helpful and tell former
yuppies how to adapt to the new era?
If Americans are going to become low-lifes, I'm perfectly qualified to be the guru who leads a nation through some severe changes.
Wining: No more sniffing of the cork while some
condescending expert explains vintages, delicate bouquets
and subtle aftertastes. Instead, everybody brings his own,
and violent arguments erupt over the merits of Ripple,
Thunderbird, Arriba, Mad Dog 20 and other screw-top wines
aged in transit. Thanks to increased demand, the old
69-cent-a-quart college favorite -- Midwest Preferred
California Burgundy (aka kerosene
) -- will be
resurrected by the Speas Vinegar Co.
Dining: Exotic foreign restaurants offering overpriced plates only half covered with delicate cuisine are out. We're going back to hearty meals. As a long-time meat-and-potatoes man, I plan to start soon on a new book -- High-Country Heartburn: The Official Guidebook to Colorado's Greasy Spoons. Restaurants will be rated on a simple scale, based on how many pounds of chicken-fried steak and dripping home fries you can get for $2.95.
Fitness: Compulsive joggers will be pitied as couch
potatoes become the national ideal. People will attend
seminars to learn how to loaf, especially on company time.
On account of the changed cuisine, women will become rather
Rubenesque. My pot-belly will shortly become a status
symbol rather than a mark of shame; William Conrad and the
late Jackie Gleason will show up on the lists of the Ten
Sexiest Men.
Style: Masculine corpulence makes it difficult to wear a three-piece suit, or much of anything else that's acceptable in the business world, since the trousers won't stay up well. My solution, which I'm sure will soon spread, is bib overalls. Not only do they stay up, they're cheap, durable and comfortable. Wearing bibs will mean that you're making a statement about how you're in the vanguard of America's departure from flash and glitter. While you're at it, replace those $495 Levolor designer sunglasses with some $4.95 clip-ons.
Entertainment: More people will be having children, which makes a night on the town complicated and expensive. So get real familiar with the 99-cent rack at your local video shop.
Interior decorating: We've chosen furnishings best
described as Salvation Army Modern.
Be sure to test
any used couch for its ability to tolerate sustained
sloth.
However, another trend is toward home computers and working at home. Those who wish can hire us as consultants who can find the best locations for filing cabinets in the living room. We can also route RS-232 cables so that they aren't likely to be tripped over and show you how to use an old computer monitor for a footstool. Trust us -- a rat's-nest maze of power lines and printer cables is going to be a lot more impressive than a tennis court or swimming pool.
Credit cards: They're out. You're going to have to start living within your means. We have years of experience at this -- ever try to get a credit card when you're self-employed? Or even when you are employed, given the wage scales in rural Colorado? I used to think we were totally out of the mainstream of American life, and now it appears that we were leading the way to the 1990's.
But when I mentioned this to Martha, how we were going
to become leaders of the new culture, she cautioned me.
We've never been on the cutting edge before. We got
married when nobody was getting married. We had kids when
nobody had kids. We quit our regular jobs when every couple
had at least two careers. So it's just our luck, this time
around, that we'll start making some money, and then we'll
still be out of it.
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