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My slothful temptation to spend Sunday afternoon with a good book was overwhelmed by the gluttonous prospect of free beer and food, provided at the home of Salida's Only Redskins Fan. (Who is a friendly, generous host, but for some reason, he'd rather his name not appear in the public prints.)
Afterward, the rest of us finished off his food and beer, and tried to look for the bright side. After all, if the Broncos had won, we had been assured that Denver would gain sophistication and lose its cowtown reputation. The captains of industry would stand in line to invest in Colorado. Our lives would have become peaceful and prosperous.
But another loss? What does it all mean? Can any good come of this?
The resident number-cruncher suggested the Pick-the-Quarters Approach. Take the first and second quarters of the 1987 Superbowl and add them to the first and third quarters of the 1988 Superbowl. The result is four quarters -- a complete game. And Denver wins it 20-9.
(Of course, our smiling host observed that if you took
the other four quarters of those games, you'd have a rout
on the order of 72-10. Which is real close to what
happened today anyway,
he concluded.)
One guest presented a more hopeful observation, in
keeping with these Just say no
times.
Look at it this way,
she said. Think of what
all has been going on in Colorado this fall and winter.
Brutal blizzards. Vicious cold spells. Paralyzed cities.
Flu epidemics. Killer avalanches.
Add to that what goes on all the time in Colorado --
declining economy, continued environmental degradation, our
schools and our legislature. But for the past five or six
months, have we had to think about any of those sordid
facts?
Of course not. Every newscast was devoted to the
Broncos. Every politician could ignore real issues and jump
on the Bronco bandwagon.
There are chemicals that do the same thing -- make
you forget the real world you live in while giving you this
soothing and pleasant imaginary world. But those are
illegal drugs, whereas Bronco-induced euphoria has been not
only legal, but almost socially mandatory, even though the
harmful effect on the individual is precisely the same.
For many Coloradans,
she concluded, this loss
will be a positive step because it will force them to kick
their habit, cold turkey. Painful as it may seem now,
someday they'll be grateful that the Broncos lost again.
Now our citizens will have to clean up their acts. They'll
become clear-headed, able to cope with the real world,
instead of getting another Bronco fix whenever they have
problems.
A businessman at the party said it wasn't the Denver loss so much as the Washington victory that was good news.
For at least a week,
he predicted, Washington
will be consumed by parades and parties. For all I know,
they'll let everybody off work for various celebrations.
Even if they don't, nobody's mind is going to be on his
work for quite a while.
Think about what the federal government does when
it's working. It produces moronic, nit-picking regulations.
It passes simplified tax laws that are so simple as to be
beyond the understanding of professional accountants. Then
it sends out auditors and enforcers, who will haul you away
if you mess up while trying to obey laws that nobody
understands.
What do they do with the money? Build schools in
France and useless dams at home. Buy $50 screwdrivers and
$600 toilet seats.
And pay for intelligence enforcement agencies to
compile dossiers on private citizens who aren't bothering
anybody. With urine tests and other snooping, the federal
government keeps meddling with private lives. Add to that
all the hustling and peddling of influence and
connections.
But for at least a week, none of this will be going
on because everybody in Washington will be celebrating. It
will be the most productive week in the history of the
American economy.
By losing to a Washington team, the Broncos have
hereby performed a great public service. All of America
should be grateful to Denver.
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