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Any day now, a simmering battle between the governor and the legislature will erupt in full glory.
The legislature wants to fund new prisons by adding Lotto to the array of games of chance already offered by the Colorado State Lottery. Since nobody forces you to buy a Lotto ticket, and since nobody wants to pay higher taxes to finance prisons, putting Lotto proceeds into the prison fund sounds like good politics.
But as Governor Romer hastens to point out, the state won't just offer Lotto tickets for sale; it will have to advertise and promote the game. The theme of such promotions is always that by spending a dollar or two some afternoon, you might win millions, so that thereafter you can enjoy a life of idleness and luxury.
In the governor's view, such promotions encourage bad attitudes, not conducive to economic development. Our naïve governor seems to think that prosperity comes from hard work, from contributing something of value to society.
The richest people of the 1980s, of course, are Wall Street investment bankers who arranged for mergers and buy-outs. They made millions, although their work provided no new jobs and created no new products.
And besides, if you want to make money without working, why bother with the bears of Wall Street and the risks of Lotto when you might be able to hire on with the Denver Public Works Department?
Anyway, if the Lotto bill ever reaches the governor's desk, he will veto it. A nasty squabble will ensue. Who will win is mere conjecture, but it's safe to predict that the public will be the loser -- unless there is a compromise. In that case, they might want to consider some of these games.
Blotto: The problem with financing prisons is that prisons, by and large, are used by the lower orders of society, the people who pay few taxes.
They'd start contributing, though, if Colorado adopted Blotto. An excise tax would be placed upon all the traditional alcoholic beverages of the lower classes: Ripple, Arriba, Mad Dog 20, Sterno, terpin hydrate cough syrup.
To play Blotto, you'd go into the liquor store and select your low-life beverage. If the serial numbers on your $5 bill matched the serial numbers on the tax stamp, you'd win. Your prize would be all you could consume in one sitting in the nearest alley, until you fell down, Blotto. Grand-prize winners might awake in one of those prisons they helped finance. It's only fair.
Trotto: Every time you drink the giardia-infested water in a mountain town, you'll want to purchase a Trotto ticket.
If your number comes up as a winner, you'll be able to
use any restroom in the state when necessity strikes.
Otherwise, you'll suffer the same indignities as the rest
of us, dashing madly only to discover that every gas
station in town has a sign that says restrooms for
customers only,
and that buying a candy bar isn't
enough to qualify you as a customer.
Locals can always run home, but tourists will gladly participate in Trotto. A winning ticket would be the only way to assure yourself of finding a restroom.
Motto: Neither the Official English people nor the local activist atheists have yet taken the trouble to become offended at our state motto. But it's only a matter of time.
The state motto is Nil Sine Numine.
It's in
Latin, an alien tongue which certainly won't be appropriate
for our official motto. But in English, it comes out to
something like Nothing without deity
-- and that's
going to have the atheists out in force.
We'll need a new one. In fact, we could profitably adopt a new one every year by playing Motto. Charge a $5 entry fee, and encourage every citizen to capture the spirit of Colorado in 10 words or less.
Instead of a random drawing, have the legislature select the winner. It will take the General Assembly five or six months of every session. When they're busy on Motto, they can't be up to any other mischief. That way, everybody comes out ahead.
However, to make it interesting, we'll forbid the
obvious entries, such as Another day older and deeper in
debt,
You can't eat scenery,
and Don't drink
the water.
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