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Since I'm on the road, I don't have a reference book
handy to tell me whether it was Ulysses S. Grant or Warren
G. Harding -- both popular and amiable Republican
presidents who found sleaze oozing through their
administrations -- who said that I can handle my
enemies. But who will protect me from my friends?
President Reagan must feel that way these days amid the
rush of kiss and tell
books by people who once held
positions of honor or trust within his administration.
David Stockman started it a few years ago with his
confession that most of the numbers in the Reaganeconomic
plan had been doctored. Then came Mike Deaver's memoires,
which detailed how the law-and-order Reagans would pull
strings when one of Nancy's friends, like Truman Capote,
ran afoul of the law.
Now comes Larry Speakes, a former presidential press secretary, who explains that it was Speakes, not Reagan, who in fact said what the President was supposedly saying.
Although there has a lot of santimonious hand-wringing
and tut-tutting about this in the public prints, the fact
is that anyone who's spent more than a week as a reporter
is perfectly aware that honest statements appear in the
news just about as often as honest photographs do -- with
the approximate frequency of total eclipses of the sun.
Most often, what passes as news from a prominent person is
a concocted statement issued during a contrived photo
opportunity
at a scheduled press conference.
Some people think that these charades are misleading, that there's no way to find out what important people are really thinking when everything that reaches the public is filtered and sanitized by the machinery of public-relations.
But that's not really so. To know what they're really thinking, all you have to do is translate from the hazy jargon of official statements into the precise language of actual thoughts. In case you haven't mastered that skill, I'll show you how it's done with a few examples.
Official Statement: Although Megacorp CEO Ebenezer
Legree expressed disappointment in the company's
first-quarter loss of $4.50 a share, he said he anticipated
a return to profitability later in the year, after the
company has been cleared by federal safety investigators
and has been vindicated by an appeal of a $31.5-million
product-liability judgment awarded by a lower
court.
Actual Thought: Maybe we can pull out of this by
closing another plant or two, and laying off 5,000 people
who were just promised that their jobs were secure. Or
maybe we won't. And maybe the accountants were wrong, and
it would be cheaper to build safe products than to pay off
the survivors. But what do I care? I'm making $750,000 a
year, and besides, I've got a golden parachute. Wonder what
the Bahamas are like this time of year?
Official Statement: Sparkplug O'Doyle, manager of the
Metropolis Marauders, said that Willie Freebase, the team's
crack shortstop, injured a knee in practice yesterday, and
won't be suiting up or traveling with the team for the next
two weeks. Freebase, last season's Rookie of the Year, has
gotten off to a slow start this spring, going 3 for 51 at
the plate while leading the league in errors.
Actual Thought: That kid shoves more up his nose in a
week than I make in a year. It's no wonder he can't hit any
more when he's so high that he floats up to the plate. I'd
can him right now except his agent hustled a no-cut
contract. Maybe two weeks in the addiction clinic will
clean up his habit, although I doubt it. We've tried that
before. Why can't I just manage a ball club instead of
having to think up these lame excuses all the time?
Official Statement: With the failure of a recall
campaign to attract sufficient signatures on petitions,
Mayor Fred Penance said it was time 'to put past divisions
behind us and unite so that we can continue to progress
toward a better future.'
Real Thought: We had enough trouble floating bond
issues to help real-estate speculators before those
malcontents started rocking the boat by insisting that I
start keeping all my high-sounding campaign promises. If
those trouble-makers ever get another pothole filled or
street plowed after a storm, it sure won't be while I'm
mayor.
As you can see, it isn't hard to figure out what's
really going on, no matter what's in the Official
Statement. It helps, though, if you remember H.L. Mencken's
observation: It is hard to believe that a man is telling
the truth if you would lie if you were in his
place.
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