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Historians of 2076 were agreed that the first American
revolution, dedicated to life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness,
began on July 4, 1776. But it was
difficult to fix a date for the second revolution.
Winston Smith, a scholar at the University of the Seven Colorados, argued that the Second Revolution began in Colorado on July 1, 1991.
Some may say it began in 1986 in California,
he
said, when they were the first to adopt an Official
English law, two years before Colorado did so in 1988. But
in 1990, Colorado moved ahead with the Wholesome English
law, which took effect on July 1, 1991.
This law, soon adopted by all 50 states, eliminated racism and sexism by making all utterances illegal which could be construed as racist or sexist.
People could still think privately whatever they
wanted to think,
Smith noted. But if someone said,
in public,
everyone will take his seat
instead of
everyone will take their seat,
then they were fined for
sexist discourse. The same held whenever anyone used a
racist expression like Mexican overdrive,
French kiss'
or 'Dutch courage.
The efficient Colorado Language Police made it
impossible to say certain things. Once people can't say
improper things, they lose the ability to think improper
thoughts. It's the most effective method of thought
control. We should give Colorado due credit for starting
the Second American Revolution.
However, California claimed that the revolution truly began with the Pure Body Amendment in 1998.
Granol A. Robix, an Assemblyperson from Sant Barbar (all sexism was purged from California place names in 1996), is generally credited with leading the drive.
At her instigation, it became a felony to sell any restaurant meal which contained any measurable amount of cholesterol, sodium, nitrates, processed sugar, red meat or white flour.
A year later, those prohibitions were extended to grocery stores. By then, Ms. Robix had developed a huge following, which supported her next effort. When the millennium arrived, California was the first state to require two hours of aerobic exercise from each citizen, every day.
Some unpatriotic sorts grumbled that what they did with their time and their bodies was their business, not the state's. But they ended up in jail, where their time was the state's. And when California claimed it was saving millions on health-care and pension costs with its mandatory exercise, other states jumped aboard.
However, the historians eventually agreed that Connecticut, where many insurance companies keep their main offices, was the true starting place for the Second American Revolution.
In the old days,
explained a historian from the
Nutmeg State, when Americans wanted to celebrate their
freedom, kids took off for the swimming hole. Then they
shot off fireworks, or went to a display with their
parents. Perhaps they went to a community potluck.
But them America underwent a revolutionary change. No
one could get insurance, so the swimming holes were closed
and the events were canceled. Because doctors couldn't get
insurance, many people quit having babies. To reduce
insurance premiums -- and because there weren't many
younger Americans coming along, so the older ones had to
live longer -- people took up health foods and
exercise.
The historians finally agreed. Sometime in the 1980s,
Americans quit doing anything that wasn't sanctioned by the
insurance companies. They became fanatics about
life,
but lost their dedication to liberty and
the pursuit of happiness.
And that was the Second
American Revolution, when everyone became perfect. Dull,
but perfect.
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