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In a time when everything changes too rapidly, it was comforting to learn that my old friend, Ananias Ziegler, is still in charge of public relations for the Committee That Really Runs America.
As he explained it, the committee's major job is to set the national agenda, so that all Americans will have something in common to worry about.
Three years ago, we had everybody fretting about
missing children, and milk cartons carried winsome
portraits,
he explained. Back in '86, we pumped up
international terrorism for a while. When that tapered off,
we turned back to our old reliable, drugs. You can always
use a new drug like Ecstasy to inspire a national panic. Or
you can take an old one like nicotine, and contrive a new
threat, such as passive smoking.
One old trick no longer works, though. Communism used
to get people really worked up. But try as we might, we
can't get Americans to care about which side is doing what
in Nicaragua. And after President Reagan quit talking about
the Evil Empire, it will be at least a decade before we can
generate a decent Red Scare.
But Ziegler is upset about other things. This a
presidential election year, and by all rights, I ought to
be able to take the summer off. I've been working hard, and
I need the vacation.
Everybody could use a vacation, but why does he deserve one now?
During presidential campaigns, we've come to expect
that the candidates, not the Committee, will set the
National Worry Agenda.
He recited history -- Quemoy and Matsu in 1952, the
missile gap
in 1960, poverty and Vietnam in 1964,
law and order
in 1968, inflation in 1980, fear of a
tax increase in 1984.
But look at 1988. The nominees will be Bush and
Dukakis, and neither has put a single item on the National
Worry Agenda. A Democrat might carry the Republican West if
he started talking about how the West has suffered under
Reagan's economic policies. Dukakis might do real well all
over if he attacked sleazy Ed Meese and the Pentagon
procurement scandals.
Ziegler caught his breath and continued. Of course,
Meese is quitting, and Bush could go after the Democrats
about Jim Wright, who'd probably collect a handsome royalty
even if he wrote the thinnest book of all time -- What I
Know About Ethics. And Bush could point out that even if
the Pentagon budget doesn't represent any paragon of
perfect management, neither does Massachusetts, with its
current budget problems.
Dukakis could retort that at least has some experience dealing with budget problems -- Bush hasn't ever managed any public agency except the CIA, which never has budget problems.
You've got it,
Ziegler said excitedly. Right
now everybody's talking about the Vincennes and the Iranian
jet. But has any candidate said anything worth hearing? Has
anybody asked why we have ships there, why we're going to
all that expense and trouble to protect the ships of other
nations?
Ziegler sighed. It's just not fair. The candidates
have been sloughing off, not doing their job. So it's up to
us.
Then he brightened. Don't you think the Committee has
been doing a good job anyway? Look, droughts come and
droughts go, but now we've got people terrified about the
Greenhouse Effect.
And when cooler weather returns this fall?
Then we'll complain about voter apathy, of how our
democracy is in danger because the percentage of Americans
who vote continues to decline.
He emitted a cynical
laugh. Just between you and me, I don't blame them a
bit. When the candidates don't do their job, how can you
expect the voters to do theirs?
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