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Maps show only one Colorado, a rectangle unrelated to anything natural like rivers or watersheds. But that must not be enough, since everyone wants more Colorados these days.
Once we got by with just two Colorados -- Western Slope and Eastern. Last year, the Colorado Humanities Federation discovered five Colorados lurking within our borders. Lately, the tourism promoters have identified perhaps seven Colorados.
The problem with all these divisions is that they are based only on geography. But the important similarities and differences transcend the ranges and rivers.
For instance, Boulder sits at the edge of the Great Plains and Aspen lies 300 miles away, deep in the Elk Range. Both are home to many well-educated people who organize their lives by the vibrations of their pet crystals. Throw in similarly enlightened folks at the Baca Grande and the necromancers who infest the Mount Princeton area, and you'd have New Age Colorado, a realm as distinct as the shortgrass prairie or the basin-and-range province.
Our new map of all the Colorados would identify other
areas, such as Fundamentalist Colorado. Parts of it are
easily identified by a huge, outdoor, lighted cross. But
those persons who inadvertently wander into other portions
should be warned that their baggage will be searched;
things win go hard for them if they're caught with
forbidden literature like Macbeth,
The Origin of
Species
or A Day No Pigs Would Die.
Then there's Independent Colorado, where everyone is fed up with cumbersome laws and regulations. Down at the Campo Holding Trust, you'll find no income taxes, Social Security or driver's licenses. They're so independent that no one knows how many people belong to Independent Colorado. The local sheriff says there might be a dozen, but one of the Campo leaders says he has 50 million independent followers.
Although it is also somewhat clandestine, Unofficial
Colorado will not take form until after the Official
English amendment passes this fall. To enter Unofficial
Colorado, you'll have to use a secret password, like
Guten Tag
or Buenos dias.
But if you say that
to the wrong person, you could get arrested and taken to
Judicial Colorado.
Once you venture into Judicial Colorado, you will remain for years, if not decades, of depositions hearings, appeals, motions and rulings. It might be a good spot for a vacation, though, since it is so removed from everyday reality. Where else is it improper to look up a word in a dictionary? Where else can a defendant hustle an expensive mistrial by serving as his own counsel?
Another charming respite from reality can be found in Political Colorado, a contentious place wherein no one can agree as to whether a governor's veto is, in fact, a veto. If that sounds boring, try Nuclear Colorado, whose hot spots include Grand Junction, Uravan and Rocky Flats. Birdwatchers might venture to the Rocky Mountain Arsenal, California Gulch, the Lowry Landfill and other sites in the emerging and exciting Toxic Colorado -- where else could they spot the rare three-winged eagle?
Until recently, I thought I lived in the Real Colorado, where restaurants don't have non-smoking sections, where the bartender is the only person in the saloon who has a steady job, and where, if you want a glass when you order a bottle of beer, you have to ask for it; in Real Colorado, you drink straight from your long-neck.
But then I learned I don't live in Colorado at all. The director of the local center for displaced homemakers told me that her office -- which teaches job skills to women re-entering the job market -- had lost its state funding. Colorado is going to take a regional approach henceforth.
However, Chaffee and Lake counties were left out; the closest regional office is in Pueblo, but its reach extends only to Frémont County. We aren't in any region, so it looks as though we aren't in Colorado. At first I was dismayed, but now I wish I'd discovered that sooner, before I sent a quarterly tax payment to the Colorado Department of Revenue.
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