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The easy course might be to complain about the low turnout Tuesday for the Colorado primary.
But there wasn't a single contested race on either ballot in Chaffee County, and I woke up Tuesday morning in New Mexico, strangely free of any desire to get home before the polls closed.
Not that I am opposed to primary elections. As a registered Republican, I often enjoy voting. Democrats generally get to vote against Ted Strickland only once each election year, whereas I can savor that supreme pleasure at least twice some years.
Anyway, it would be hypocritical to complain about low voter turn-out. We'll have to ponder the other burning issue of the day -- whom will George Bush pick as his running mate?
At first, it appears that Bush really doesn't need a
running mate. After all, what are vice-presidential
candidates supposed to do? Provide geographical balance on
the ticket? Bush has homes in both Texas and Maine.
Contribute ideological balance? Bush has been both for and
against voodoo economics
and negotiating with
terrorists.
Social balance? Bush is one of us behind the wheel of a truck, and he also went to prep school and an Ivy League college. Establishment balance? He's an outsider who didn't know everything that was going on in Washington, and he's also held many high-level posts. In short, Bush is quite talented at trying to be all things to all people; in an ideal world, an ideal candidate like that wouldn't be burdened with a running mate.
But just as we hold primary elections in Colorado even when there aren't any contests, our laws require that Bush run with someone.
Fortunately for the future of our republic, there is an ideal choice: Elvis Aaron Presley.
It is true that his first presidential ballot was cast for Adlai Stevenson in 1956. So what? Ronald Reagan was an ardent New Dealer in his youth, and the Republicans forgave him.
Since he was born in Mississippi and made Tennessee his headquarters, Elvis would easily overcome whatever strength Lloyd Bentsen has in the South.
Professional pundits say the key to this year's election
lies in the Blue-collar Reaganites.
These are people
who traditionally voted Democratic, but were swayed to vote
Republican by Reagan's charisma. Only a man with
substantial charisma could persuade them that they're
better off with $3.50-an-hour jobs at a fast-food stand
than with $14-an-hour jobs at a steel mill.
Elvis certainly has that same grip on the kind of people who trust the Globe, Star and Enquirer; every time you stand in line at the supermarket, he's grinning at you from the lurid covers of the tabloids by the check-out stand. No matter how many glamorous millions he made, Elvis never lost that good ol' boy, jus' plain folks appeal that Bush so desperately strives for.
Although there are rumors that Elvis just sat around Graceland eating dangerous pills, his public stance on drugs is safely Republican. He once approached Richard Nixon with a proposal that he lead a national effort to suppress drugs. And when Elvis was on tour, he liked narcotics officers so much that he gave them free Cadillacs.
Granted, there are other disquieting rumors, such as the persistent gossip that Elvis died 11 years ago. But even if there's some truth to that mean-mouthed talk, there is no provision in our constitution which requires a vice-president to possess a functioning brain, or even a pulse. Besides, the vice-president's major job is to attend funerals; Elvis, as they say, has been there. So he's qualified for the job, he'll add both luster and folksiness to the ticket, and most importantly, he won't do or say anything to embarrass the candidate.
Unless it turns out that he's really alive, but that's a chance that even George Bush might take.
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