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The last time there was a national political convention going on, my column got bumped in favor of commentary direct from the convention city. I can understand why the editors did that, but still, I don't want it to happen again. So I'm going to do my best to provide the most typical sort of report from the convention city.
So let me tell you about New Orleans. I have researched
extensively by reading A Confederacy of Dunces
and
by watching The Big Easy.
Everybody here talks with
a mouth full of mush, grits and hushpuppies, and they're
mainly interested in writhing bodies on Bourbon Street and
dead bodies on Canal Street.
Even so, they're brimming over with gracious southern hospitality. All local residents of all political convention cities, even abrasive New York, are always bursting with gracious regional hospitality. In New Orleans, for instance, all the rude clerks, sullen waitresses, abusive police and gouge-artist cab drivers have been dumped into Lake Pontchartain for the duration.
We can't ignore the world-renowned Cajun cuisine that distinguishes New Orleans. The main delicacy is something poor people have always eaten: crawdads. Except now you pay $18.95 for a crayfish. What's next -- a $28.95 special on Road-kill Stew?
You can't write a convention piece from New Orleans without mentioning the oppressive climate. I tried to simulate it in Colorado by visiting La Junta a few days ago. If there's any place that's hotter than La Junta in August, I'll start believing in hell.
But New Orleans also has humidity. So if you want to share the Crescent City ambiance, your best bet is to hire on as a washman in an industrial laundry. The washroom is always next to the boiler room. It's about 120 degrees in there, with bursts of superheated steam leaking out of pipes all the time; that, along with the open sewers, should provide the requisite atmosphere.
I spent several summers toiling in such washrooms, and I'm beginning to worry about the fate of our nation. The Democrats convene in Atlanta, the Republicans in New Orleans -- two cities that are exactly like laundry washrooms this time of year. In that kind of environment, my cognitive facilities were such that while at work, I barely comprehended the only important thing in my life -- quitting time. And here we have people voluntarily convening in these sweatboxes, determining the future leadership of the free world. Doesn't that worry you? Or does it only bother those few of us who've labored in washrooms?
After describing New Orleans, the convention commentary has to mention politics, the more local the better.
My problem here is twofold. I'm not in New Orleans, and I'm not on speaking terms with any members of the Colorado Republican delegation.
But I should be able to fake it. Our Republicans are in favor of peace and prosperity. They also favor motherhood, unless it's welfare mothers. They want judges who put criminals in prison, unless those criminals are junk bond dealers, defense contractors or present or former Reagan cabinet members.
They also want lower taxes and increased defense spending, if it involves more money for facilities in Colorado. Come to think of it, they aren't much different from Democrats in this regard. Joel Hefley, my ultraconservative Republican congressman, boasts of both his desire to cut the bloated federal budget and of his skill at making sure Colorado Springs gets plenty of SDI money. Pat Schroeder, your ultraliberal Democratic congresswoman, is death on defense spending, though she'll do everything she can to make sure Lowry Air Force Base stays open.
The Colorado delegation would be in favor of Sen. Bill Armstrong as the vice-presidential candidate, except that if he won, then Gov. Roy Romer would appoint a Democrat to fill the vacancy. So the Centennial State GOP generally favors Wyoming Sen. Alan Simpson, although it matters not a whit whom they favor. It's also safe to report that the Colorado delegates are having a good time, but not that good a time -- anything truly risque might ruin an image and a political career. Gary Hart was one thing, but a Colorado Republican?
And that's the way it is here in New Orleans.
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