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If, God forbid ...

Published 9-Oct-1988 in the Denver Post
Copyright ©1988 by Ed Quillen. All rights reserved.

President Quayle, what was the first thing you did after taking office following the tragedy yesterday?

The real question you asked is whether I'm qualified for the presidency. There are three major issues confronting our nation -- arms control and national security, education and jobs, and the budget deficit. I served 12 years in the U.S. Congress, along with my time as vice-president. I have had more experience in dealing with these issues than Ronald Reagan did when he took office, so I am amply qualified for the presidency.

Mr. President, many of your colleagues in both the house and senate -- including people of your own party -- were somewhat unimpressed by your performance there. Could you explain why that might be so?

Again, you're asking the same question, whether I'm qualified for the presidency. Our nation faces three major concerns -- arms control and national security, education and jobs, and the budget deficit. I grappled with these for 12 years in Congress, more years than George Washington served when he assumed office. I am experienced and qualified. I know a throw weight from a MIRV, and I am prepared to negotiate arms control. Next?

President Quayle, what is your agenda for your presidency?

I don't believe that question is appropriate at this time. But it goes back to whether I'm qualified to lead this nation, which as three vital issues before it: arms control and national security, education and jobs, and the budget deficit. I faced these concerns on a daily basis for a dozen years in Congress, more years than a fellow Midwestern patriot, Abraham Lincoln, served before becoming president.

Mr. President, do you believe you will have any difficulty gaining the confidence of the American people?

Again, you're really asking whether I'm qualified for the job, and I've already answered that question three or four times today. But I want you pointy-headed lib'rals in the Democrat media to know that the American people believe that America is the envy of the world.

President Quayle, do you have any specific plans for domestic issues, such as education and drugs?

Why do you keep bringing up my academic record? I've never claimed that I was more than an average student in college. And drugs are our number one problem, which we will solve by using the death penalty against drug kingpins.

But Mr. President, you have said that the most significant issues were arms control and national security, education and jobs, and the budget deficit. You didn't even mention drugs, and now you say they're our number-one problem. Does this mean a reversal of previous policy, and that you will seek the death penalty against that notorious drug trafficker, Gen. Manuel Noriega?

Again, you keep asking me about my qualifications for the presidency, and I'm getting tired of answering the same question. We will continue to move this nation forward. I have met with President Bush's people, all of whom I know on a first-hand basis, and most of them are staying on. There will be a few new appointments.

Can you tell us about them, Mr. President?

Bobby Knight will become secretary of defense, while Tom Clancy has agreed to be my national security advisor. Next?

President Quayle, what will be the philosophy of your presidency?

I will always remember something an old Midwestern neighbor told me. Now I know, those elitist Massachusetts intellectual snobs may think it's corny and just plain old common sense, and they'll sneer at it, but I know that I and millions of other real Americans believe in the wisdom of the heartland. And this man said that Maybe you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, but if you work hard at it, precious few folks will notice the difference. I've always cherished that advice, and I'm going to live by that, no matter what those eggheads say. Thank you, and good night.


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