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The one bright moment on election night, as official
English and George Bush arrived with landslides, came
during some speculation about what might have been.
Suppose the two candidates had been Robert Dole and Jesse
Jackson. How delightful a campaign, with two witty,
sharp-tongued men, light-years apart on the political
spectrum, going after each other tooth and nail. Bootleg
videos of their debates would outsell E.T.
Since the only political pleasures this year came from fantasy, and since every election produces a universal consensus on only one thing -- the need for campaign reform -- here's how to improve American campaigns.
1. Ban all political polling. There is nothing inherently wrong with polls. But as soon as we have polls, then the information we get about campaigns changes. We no longer learn what the candidates say or do or propose; election coverage instead focuses on how a weighted sampling responds.
There is a substantial difference between caring whether Americans have jobs and houses, and caring whether potential voters think that Americans have jobs and houses. The emphasis on polling makes the latter more important to a candidate than the former.
Granted, even if there were a law against political
polls, they would continue on some level, just as there are
laws against certain drugs which still get sold and used.
Junkies need junk to function, and many of our
leaders
can't lead
without a daily dose from
the pollster, just to make sure they don't say anything
that might cost them half a point.
The analogy continues. More Americans, with the force of
law on their side, would find it easy to Just say no
when a seedy pollster in a trench coat emerges from an
alley and says Hey, you want some candy? You want to be
hip like me? Just answer a few innocent questions
here.
Reputable newspapers and broadcasters don't promote illegal drugs, and they wouldn't publicize illegal polls. The desperate could still find their percentages in a pool hall somewhere, but all that numeric blather would not be inflicted on the rest of us.
2. Outlaw direct television coverage of any political event. As it is, every campaign appearance is staged for video; any audience is selected to reinforce a visual message, and herded like cattle in a stockyard. The only reason candidates bother to campaign at all these days is in the hope of getting 20 seconds on the evening news. And let us not forget how political conventions are more carefully scripted and contrived than even professional wrestling matches.
Sure, let television send reporters, and let the reporters report. But the camera crews should stick to what they're good at -- sports and gory traffic accidents.
3. Eliminate primaries. The idea behind primaries was to
let the people,
rather than political bosses, select
candidates.
But the people who determine primary outcomes are the party activists, who tend to the extremes. They are no more representative of the general public than those despised fixers, bag men and ward-heelers who once met in smoke-filled rooms and decided who would be running.
To get the nomination now, candidates have to pander to the primary voters, who are no improvement on the old grafters and bosses.
As a result, during the general campaign, the Republican candidate has to reassure the public that he isn't really all that enthusiastic about inflicting the death penalty on teachers who mumble during the Pledge of Allegiance. Meanwhile the Democrat also has to backpedal somewhat, and assure us that he won't really hasten to establish a well-funded cabinet-level department devoted to affirmative action entitlements for economically-impaired lesbians of Armenian descent.
That's enough fantasy. It's time to return to reality and look forward to four gentle, kind years of reading George Bush's lips, illuminated by a thousand points of light. And praying for his continued good health.
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