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During the four winters I tried to make the Middle Park
Times come out every week, Kremmling never bragged on being
the Icebox of the Nation
or the Coldest Location
in the Observable Universe.
Kremmling had no official
weather station, and it is a modest town. We figured that
poor little Fraser, over on the other end of Grand County,
had nothing else going for it, so we indulged Fraser in its
boasting.
Perhaps Fraser was indeed colder, but Kremmling was cold enough to suit anybody this side of Siberia. From Hallowe'en to Easter, the world was ice and snow -- you never saw liquid water outdoors in Kremmling. The thermometer outside our kitchen window sat at -45 on many clear nights.
Before I moved there, I thought that any temperature
below zero was a generic cold.
But one learns to
make distinctions. You can dress for 20 below and almost
function outdoors. When it's 40 below, your very bones will
chill, no matter how many layers of clothes you don -- long
underwear, wool pants, sweaters, coats, schapska hat atop
ski mask, three pair of wool socks, gaiters, gloves inside
mittens. Getting dressed in the morning was a half-hour
chore that had to be taken quite seriously.
Now that such gelid conditions have infested the entire state, I feel compelled to pass on what I learned from the residents of Middle Park, among the most experienced people in Colorado at coping with cold.
· To avoid frozen pipes, leave some water running. Fortunately, the condition of most mountain housing makes this simple, since the toilet runs all the time anyway.
· It's too late now to winterize your home in the
customary mountain way -- by stapling sheets of translucent
plastic (known locally as Reagonomics storm windows
)
over all windows, screen doors, wall cracks and the like.
You'll have to resort to the inside method. Get your sack
of rags and old blankets. Hang the blankets over the
windows, and every time you feel a draft, jam something
into the associated crack. You won't be able to look
outdoors, but what's out there to see, anyway?
· Taking out the trash means a considerable risk of frostbite -- who's going to dress up just to tote a garbage bag to the alley? Instead, just set the trash on your back porch. In this weather, there's no chance that it will rot and attract flies.
Some people worry that the local dog pack will rip the bags open and spread the trash. But the dogs generally spread the trash in somebody else's yard, and besides, the next snow will cover the trash. When the July thaw comes, mud swallows the garbage anyway. It all works out.
· The TV weather people have been advising you to keep your pet indoors.
Your pet, however, does not know he is supposed to stay indoors. He plaintively meows or barks as he stands by the door. You finally decide to let the pest out for a few minutes, so he can learn first-hand why he shouldn't go out.
You open the door. The creature moves into the portal and indecisively stands there for several eons. Every precious calorie that you've managed to accumulate escapes outdoors. The furnace kicks on with a vengeance. Despite all your efforts at conservation, your gas bill is going to run into four digits this month -- all on account of Spot or Puff.
There are two ways to deal with this. One is to apply a firm kick to the animal and slam the door, thereby soon terminating the other nuisances of pet ownership, such as buying food and paying veterinary bills. If you're soft-hearted, buy stock in Public Service Co., so that you can recoup some of your losses with the handsome dividends occasioned by other pet owners.
·Above all, don't worry. People can adjust. I knew a guy who worked at the lumberyard in Kremmling, and he really liked living there, even though we had just been through a subzero January. One sunny but frigid winter afternoon, though, he told me he was moving post haste.
What made you change your mind about Kremmling?
I
inquired.
I went home for lunch, and found my wife sitting on
the porch swing. It's 10 degrees outside. She said she
wanted to get out and enjoy this warm spell before it gets
cold again. We've got to move, because whatever she has, I
might catch it if we stay here.
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