< PREVIOUS ] [ 1989 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
From what I've read lately, everything we watch has subliminal advertising.
The new promotions aren't like the sneaky stuff that
worried both social reformers in the 1950's. Supposedly you
would go to the show. One frame would flit by with You
are feeling thirsty, very thirsty, so get up right now and
buy the $18 jumbo cup of Coca-Cola at our friendly
concession stand.
In theory, nobody consciously noted that single frame, which lasted only a 24th of a second. But the devious message implanted itself in your psyche. You found yourself unaccountably racing to the lobby, your mouth puckered and dry, in line behind hordes of other parched patrons.
These days, the paid messages are blended right into the television show or movie. A tobacco company provides $15,000 to the producer; behold, the good guy lights up like Humphrey Bogart after tapping the cigarette like Clark Gable. A fast-food chain writes a check, and there's a nubile health- and weight-conscious heroine merrily gorging herself on the same brand of chicken that somehow drips with grease every time you buy a bucket of pressure-fried fowl parts.
Always eager for a few extra dollars, I thought I might approach various companies and arrange to drop brand names. I'd be casual about it, of course, so as not to give away our little secret. You wouldn't notice anything untoward in a paragraph like this:
I'm racing away today on my column, since I rose
early and quickly attained the creative spirit after only
six cups of industrial-strength Folger's. That's just part
of my personal power breakfast. It's hard to beat a couple
of flame-roasted Casa Fiesta whole chili peppers, covered
with Lucerne Swiss cheese, wrapped in Rios flour tortillas,
and heated in the Sanyo microwave that we got at Wal-Mart
last summer. After the column is done, our '65 Dodge will
get a tune-up at Salerno's Service, corner of Second and E
streets, before I drop by the Affiliated Chaffee County
Bank to deposit a check from NAL/Signet, publishers of many
fine pseudonymous adult westerns, such as Mexican
Massacre, coming out any day now.
Come to think of it, you probably would notice. It's hard for me to be subtle, and Martha pointed out another problem. Neither of us could think of a corporation whose image I might enhance.
So I've decided to offer the opposite service to the marketing mavens of America. For a negotiable fee, I won't mention their products or services.
For instance, US West might give me a break on my latest telephone bill if I refrained from pointing out that it costs $1.21 to call Westcliffe for five minutes during business hours, and $1.34 to call New York for five minutes during business hours. That's a difference of only 13 cents for an additional 2,000 miles. Of course, there is competition for my business when I call New York, and US West has a monopoly on my calls to Westcliffe. But in the hope of attracting some hush money from the phone company, I'll stop at that.
Another company which might contact me is Micropro International, producers of WordStar 5.0, the word-processing program I use. If they don't slip me some cash, I might someday mention that certain printer drivers truncate files when they print to disk, and I would add that there are bugs that can hang the whole system.
Since Denver's other daily has never sent me any money, I'll have to expose a serious problem over there.
Remember the first part of February? The Alaska
Blaster,
and the entire nation in the grip of
record-setting subzero temperatures as cars refused to
start and water lines snapped left and right?
Now examine the Jan. 31 Weather Watch
column in
that newspaper. The headline announces Early February
looks like January -- warm.
Further reading reveals
that After a marvelously warm January in most of the
country, much of the nation is in for a warmer-than-normal
start to February... temperatures will remain 4 to 6
degrees above normal in nearly half the country -- the
Plains states... it will mark the fifth consecutive week in
which unseasonably warm temperatures have held sway over
much of the country.
I didn't really want to do that, embarrass another columnist. But when they don't pay, what choice do I have? If you'd like to be ignored, contact my agent. It makes sense that things that work one way in Hollywood will work the opposite way in Colorado.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1989 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >