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Although the election lay more than a year in the future, Colorado Republicans were getting desperate. The incumbent Democrat, Roy Homer, retained high ratings in the polls, and the Republicans' best alternative, Steve Schuck, had just announced he would not run for governor in 1990.
They called the costly consulting firm of Ailes & Atwater, which had always done an excellent job of solving problems of the Colorado GOP (among its successes were finding a job for Ken Kramer and arranging to get Sam Zakhem out of the country).
But this time around, many Republican leaders were dismayed by the consultants' recommendation.
We're supposed to get a made-to-order candidate from
where?
one GOP leader asked.
The Stepford Candidate Works,
came the reply.
It's a top-secret outfit. If you've been to Disney
World, you've seen some of their early work.
But what have they done lately? We're talking some
major money here. Buying a state senator is one thing, but
building a governor?
Where do you think Bush found Quayle?
Even the scoffers quieted after it was explained that Quayle was an early model on the same production run that eventually produced Pat Sajak.
The order was placed, and later the central committee gathered to see the preliminary unveiling of their fabricated blow-dry candidate for governor.
I am a fifth-generation nation Coloradan,
it
began with a folksy twang, from a pioneer family long
concerned with public affairs. My great-great-grandfather
fought with Colonel Chivington. My grandfather ran a
machine gun at Ludlow.
Excuse me,
came an interruption. The Democrats
pull that deep-roots stuff too these days. How about your
stands on current issues? What about Two Forks, for
instance?
Water is the very lifeblood of the American West, and
it is an issue best decided by the individual states, not
by pointy-headed bureaucrats in Washington. The only thing
they're good for is giving us money to build dams. I don't
know what's going wrong these days, but I'll fight it. We
need to remember that
EPA
should stand for Expansion
Promotion Agency
, not Environmental Protection Agency.
Hell, we've got plenty of environment in this beautiful
state of Colorado. What we need is money.
The android was interrupted by foot-stomping applause.
Then came another question. How would you go about some
economic development?
Well, I've always believed that economic development
requires a committed partnership between the private and
public sectors. For example, you want to better yourself,
so you buy a savings and loan. Then you loot it, and the
public steps in and bails out your depositors. You want to
develop some land, and you get the profits while the public
gets to give up open space and pay for roads and sewers and
schools. You want to run a trucking company, so while the
highways deteriorate, you cause 36 percent of the damage,
but you only pay for 22 percent of the upkeep. This is the
kind of public-private partnership that makes America
great. We take from the public and give to the
private.
Most Colorado Republicans nodded in enthusiastic
agreement, although one disquieting voice rose from the
floor. Mr. Candidate, I'm in full agreement with what
you say, but isn't there some way you could phrase your
answers more discreetly? I'm afraid your candor might not
do so well with the voters.
The Stepford Candidate tried, but all that came out was a garble of Colorado GOP-received wisdom that wasn't going to sound good to voters: It wasn't worth three cents a month for poor people to have telephones; keep requiring counties and cities to adopt new programs without giving them any money; the state has no obligation to keep its word concerning the insurance of industrial bank deposits.
Republicans rushed the dais and grabbed the candidate. They subdued him, but not before a roundhouse to the temple scrambled some circuits.
What are we going to do now?
one wondered. He
was our great hope, and now he's just a shell. We can't run
a candidate without a brain, can we?
Why not? Look at what we've done before, and tell me
anyone will notice the difference.
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