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As usual, the news from Washington was confusing. All these congressmen who had spent years climbing to leadership positions were suddenly dropping like Alaskan wildlife. There was gossip that they were all suffering from another attack of governmental ethics, but I like to be sure about these things.
So I called my customary inside source, Ananias Ziegler, media relations coordinator at the Committee that Really Runs America.
Don't worry,
he assured me. This will soon
blow over, and we'll be back to business as usual.
How can you say that?
I protested. This is the
first time in history that the speaker of the house of
representatives has resigned in disgrace. The number three
man there, Tony Coelho, steps down too. And by the way,
what's a
Majority Whip
? Is this really some kind of kinky
leather cult scandal and we outsiders are hearing only part
of it?
Ziegler explained that Whip
is an honored
position in Washington. He went on to mention a 3,142-page
study that the Committee had recently commissioned:
Envisioning an Ethical America.
I bet the vision was wonderful,
I interjected.
We would have senators and representatives who devote
sincere reflection and spirited debate to the major issues
before the nation, instead of devoting themselves to
parochial concerns and their own reelection campaigns. They
would vote as their consciences directed, rather than by
totaling their honoria ledgers. Campaigns would be devoted
to thoughtful explanations of philosophical differences,
rather than grabbing for 20-second sound bites.
There was more in my vision of an ethical America, but Ziegler cut me short.
Whatever it is that gives you visions like that,
Quillen, you'd better quit smoking the stuff.
But isn't that the kind of political system we'd have
if our society were ethical?
Ziegler agreed to that. Well, certainly. It's the
kind of government that Thomas Jefferson and James Madison
believed they had created. But our study discovered that
there's a big problem with that.
What problem?
Would the National Association of Broadcasters put up
with campaigns that went to the people and discussed
issues, instead of campaigns that relied on expensive
television time? Would you print types want to talk to a
congressman who wouldn't feed you dirt on his opponents, in
exchange for fairer treatment than he deserves?
I started to see what he was talking about as he continued.
Does Colorado want a congressional delegation that
lets the Environmental Protection Agency protect the
environment? Or does Colorado want one that will pull every
imaginable string to resurrect Two Forks? Does your city
want somebody concerned about justice in Nicaragua, or
somebody that will hustle a grant for your sewer plant?
Does anybody really want a consistent, fair tax system? We
found lots of people who said they did, but further probing
revealed that they wanted other people to pay consistent,
fair taxes, while they took advantages of breaks that were
written into the law just for them.
I couldn't think of a good argument against his case.
What our study discovered,
Ziegler summarized,
is that nobody really wants an ethical government. Every
American wants a government that will do favors for
him.
And the Americans who can afford it will arrange to
buy those favors,
I sadly agreed.
Precisely,
Ziegler concluded. That's why all
this will blow over. Mark Twain once observed that
There
is no distinctly native American criminal class except
Congress.
That was 92 years ago. If people really wanted
that to change, it would have happened by now. And it
hasn't.
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