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Every time I visit, Denver appears to have an ample number of people. The freeways teem with drivers who find life in the fast lane so monotonous that they must assuage their boredom by holding cellular telephone conversations in circumstances that reduce me to white-knuckled terror. All the parking spaces are taken within a two-mile radius of where I'm headed. Once I'm there, Denver's throngs always stand ahead of me in interminable lines.
So you couldn't prove it by me, but civic leaders have expressed concern that Denver doesn't already have enough people generating carbon monoxide with their automobiles.
Once a city's population reaches 500,000, the city qualifies for certain federal subsidies not offered to smaller bergs. At last estimate, there were only 490,000 Denverites. If that doesn't improve by April 1, 1990, when the federal census occurs, then the Mile High City is doomed to another decade of not getting every possible nickel of federal money.
Though I live 150 miles away, I know that a thriving Colorado needs a thriving Denver, and Denver needs another 10,000 people on April 1 in order to prosper.
My first thought was that I might help out by moving to
the city. But my two vehicles -- a '65 Dodge sedan and a
'67 Chevy pickup -- are gross polluters. They wouldn't be
welcome. I often read that Denver isn't a cowtown
any more, so I'd have to shed my blue jeans and boots, or
else I wouldn't be welcome. I'd like to feel welcome, but I
can't afford it, and I suspect that most rural residents
feel the same way.
So where might Denver gain population if it can't get people the same way it gets water, by raiding the hinterlands?
We have to consider why Denver doesn't grow, even though the metro area does.
People settle in the suburbs so that they can escape certain Denver attributes, such as an integrated school system, while continuing to enjoy other Denver attributes, such as downtown jobs, professional sports, cultural facilities, an international airport and an adequate water supply. It's a way to have your cake and eat it, too.
Denver used to annex this suburban white flight, but that stopped when the Poundstone Amendment passed 15 years ago.
Since Denver can't move to the suburbanites, can suburbanites be induced to move to Denver?
This shouldn't be too difficult, nor unduly expensive. The suburbs are full of community-minded church-going folk who often suffer nightmares about meeting, let alone living near, people of a lower social or economic class.
Denver has considered a dispersed housing
program
for its poor. The program has inspired considerable
opposition from some Denverites.
But why does the dispersed housing have to be in Denver? Denver could buy selected properties in the suburbs.
Start with an extended Joad family. Swarms of noisy inbred children playing in a yard of rusting old cars -- put them on a Cherry Hills cul-de-sac of five-bedroom $250,000 houses. The moving vans will appear instantly, and many of them will be bound for Denver.
After the next crack house raid, the judge can give the occupants a choice -- the penitentiary, or a year of plying their trade from a luxurious city-owned house in Evergreen. Hundreds of wealthy commuters will quickly decide that Denver really isn't such a bad place to live.
Hookers, hustlers, illegal aliens, welfare mothers, plain old bums -- Denver can provide them suburban housing. For every poor or menacing Denverite that thereby leaves, the city will gain at least 50 full-time upscale residents. The population will hit 500,000 with ease by April 1, the federal dollars will flow, and Denver can build a wall to keep the new suburbanites from returning and ruining everything.
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