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Millions of trees have died so that we might educate ourselves about The Roadside Geology of Colorado and The Roadside History of Colorado.
However, our authors have been devoting all their attention to the roadsides, and lately, the most useful guidebook would tell you about what you'll find on the road, not beside the road.
Then you'd know about these species of highway wildlife:
· Macho 18-Wheeler. Preferred habitats include
west side of Eisenhower Tunnel and Floyd Hill, but it can
emerge wherever there's an extended stretch of twisting
7-percent downgrade. Its call is Hey, man, downshifting
is for sissies, only a candy-ass would use a jake brake,
and if you can't drive for 38 straight hours, you're a
pansy.
Track consists of long skid marks, blood and
remnants of squashed passenger cars. Can be discerned from
Sensible 18-Wheelers by their smoking wheel brakes. If you
see one in your rear-view mirror, the best response is
prayer.
· Arrogant 18-Gear Cyclist. Ranges throughout state. No matter how wide the shoulder or congested the traffic, always stays in main thoroughfare -- except in parks, where it takes over all pedestrian paths. Ignores traffic signals and signs. This species is quite gregarious and generally migrates in flocks of 50 or more, thereby insuring that no other traffic will pass.
· Cellular Wizard. Most drivers find it
sufficiently challenging to maneuver two tons of moving
machinery. But that's just a start for the awesome talents
of the Cellular Wizard, who can also adjust plumage, eat
breakfast, absorb an oral version of a best-seller -- and
run up two hours of billable time in a 45-minute commute,
thanks to its in-car telephone. Found only in densely
settled areas, its call is Let me get back to you on
that.
· Country Mouse. In its home habitat, Country Mouse is relatively harmless. No one cares if it drives on the left side of the road, refuses to signal for turns, or, when it sees another Country Mouse in the other lane, pauses mid-street to indulge in half an hour of gossip. Unfortunately, Country Mice are sometimes carried off by predators or economic forces and dropped into the Metropolitan Rat Race, with dire consequences all the way around.
· Four-Wheelers. The original habitat of this
species was the back country, where they explored old wagon
roads with their distinctive calls: Let me put the hubs
in.
Your winch working?
Punched out my oil
pan.
Recently, growing numbers of Four-Wheelers have
been spotted in the upscale suburbs, but this is apparently
an entirely different species, on account of its dissimilar
call: I just spent $24,000 for a new Wagoneer, and you
think I'm going to take it off the pavement, where it might
get scratched or something?
· Rural Pickup. Easily spotted, thanks to its cloud of blue oil smoke and trail of empty tall boys. Moves erratically, either because its tie rods are bent or because the driver is under the influence of a controlled or uncontrolled substance. May have calls, but these are generally drowned out by the hole in the muffler or by the tape player blasting out country music (Redneck Rural Pickup) or blues (Ex-Hippie Rural Pickup).
· Metro Roadhog. Generally goes by in a flash, weaving across three or more lanes. Utters call -- a protracted horn honk -- only when forced to go less than 65 mph. Believed to be ancestral species of Cellular Wizard.
That's just a start. There are seasonal species, like the Rubbernecking Flatlander and the Hellbent Skier, as well as the widespread Grim-Faced Commuters, who migrate on weekday mornings, and Cruising Kids, who appear on weekend evenings. One once-common species, the Polite Driver, is endangered, and may even be extinct, since no sightings have been reported for at least five years.
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