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After extended consultation with my high-level advisers during happy hour at the Salida Inn the other afternoon, I have decided that I might authorize a committee to investigate the feasibility of forming an exploratory group to consider the possibility of my seeking the Republican nomination for governor next year.
I didn't really want to do it, but my advisers pointed out that I have been a registered Republican since 1976, and that nobody else really wants to run. Being the Republican candidate for governor is as sure a ticket to oblivion as being the Democratic candidate for congress from the Fifth District -- when was the last time you saw John Fuhr's name in print?
Steve Schuck pulled out long ago, and Pat Grant just announced that this isn't his year. (He must have spent hours training his family to stand in front of a flag and smile supportively when photographers were present, and it is a true pity that all that effort was wasted.) Terry Considine can't take another loss and remain a dark-horse contender for any public office, and that seems to be Considine's major role in Colorado politics -- having a name that just pops up whenever an office is vacant.
That leaves Ken Chlouber, whose major campaign theme is that he's unemployed. But I'm at least twice as unemployed as he's ever been. Besides, he's a traitor to the cause. Whenever I see my state representative, Chlouber is walking down the street, not with the elephant that symbolizes our Grand Old Party, but with a Democratic donkey. Is that any way for a Republican to behave in public? Make him governor, and he'll probably forsake Colorado symbols in favor of Utah beehives or Texas longhorns.
I can point to other qualifications: Deep Colorado roots
and an appreciation of our state's economic climate --
Quillens have been going broke in this state for at least
90 years. I know people all over the state, especially in
remote little towns where my car has broken down. However,
the preeminent Republican criterion for an acceptable
candidate is Has he ever met a payroll?
and I've
done that, too.
Of course, a candidate needs a platform that addresses current issues.
·Drugs. We will legalize all of them. We spend a lot of money on education in this state, and if that doesn't enable people to figure out that some substances are better left alone, that's their problem. Legalization means we can greatly reduce law-enforcement and prison costs. Further, many wealthy importers and wholesalers would move their operations to Colorado, thus providing jobs and improving the real-estate market.
·Prisons. Judging by how inmates have whined about getting shipped out of state, serving time in Colorado isn't really a punishment. In my administration, everyone convicted of a felony gets a one-way bus ticket to Missouri.
·Economic Development. It's your job to make money and the government's job to spend money. We're going to keep these roles straight.
·Education. We'll contract it out to anyone who can deliver 12th-graders who read at a 12th-grade level. That's what we pay for, and that's what we should get.
·The Legislature. In theory, a Republican governor should get along better with the Republican General Assembly than our Democratic governors have. But Republican governors have mentioned that they had problems, too.
So I intend to declare martial law, and order the National Guard to impound the legislature as a public nuisance and a persistent threat to the health, safety and well-being of the people of the state of Colorado. Representative democracy might be a good idea, but it just doesn't work here.
You can send campaign contributions to the Quillen
tab repayment fund, Salida Inn.
Once that's paid off,
I'll announce that this isn't my year, either.
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