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Now that the Berlin Wall has fallen into commercial
hands (When we hang the next-to-the-last capitalist, the
last capitalist will try to sell the rope as an authentic
and significant historic souvenir.
-- V.I. Lenin), the
nations of eastern Europe are beginning to open up after 50
years of Nazi and Soviet rule.
Many Americans have expressed a desire to help these countries recover. After World War II, our Marshall Plan brought western Europe back to life, and Japan began to prosper mightily thanks to American assistance.
In those days, we were a rich, powerful country that could afford to export money and expertise. We did such a good job that some of those countries are now trouncing us; we're no longer the world leader in many fields, and we've become the world's largest debtor nation, too.
This time around, we should learn our lesson and export those facets of American life which will insure that we won't ever face any meaningful competition from Bulgaria, Czechoslovakia, Poland or Yugoslavia.
For instance, we should help them adopt the American system of health care. Then 13 percent of their population would be without health insurance. They'll live in constant fear that they might lost their homes and cars if disease or accident should strike; worried people aren't efficient workers.
The 62 percent with employer-provided health insurance won't ever dare to quit their drone jobs and try something innovative, and the 7 percent on Medicaid will stay on welfare -- such dreary jobs as they can find never offer health insurance, and who wants to bleed to death in a waiting room for lack of coverage?
Nations with the American system will spend 11.1 percent of their gross national products on health, more than anybody else in the world does, and will spend it so inefficiently that they will rank 15th in infant mortality rate and 12th in life expectancy.
Another good export would be our transportation system. We've already trashed out many perfectly good cities by turning them over to parking lots and freeways; let glasnost bring gridlock to Wenceslas Square. We did our share; now it's time for the Poles and Serbs to send their hard-earned money to Japanese auto makers and Arabian oil cartels. That should guarantee that their economies never out-produce ours.
Just to be sure, though, we'd better send out some missionaries from the American Bar Association who can install our legal system. That way, every productive enterprise in eastern Europe can quit being productive, because its managers will have to focus on avoiding lawsuits. Even to get a specious case thrown out of court will take five years and cost hundreds of thousands of dollars -- that's a lot of time and money that won't get invested in building products to compete with ours.
Their political systems are undergoing reform, too, and our campaign consultants could certainly help America by taking their acts overseas. The street crowds in Prague will shout for flag-protection laws instead of freedom, and Bulgarians will demand that their new leaders pass urine tests, rather than reform their governments.
On the lighter side, if American football catches on elsewhere, our future world dominance is assured. Their bright high-school students will no longer concern themselves with learning math; the boys will be on the team as the girls cheer them on. Their once-proud universities will abandon all academic standards as they pursue winning seasons. Their adult populations will spend every autumnal Sunday afternoon in a stupor, and productivity at work will plummet because the sharpest person in the office will devote his energy to running the weekly betting pool.
It's time for America to stand tall again, and the easiest way to do that is to cripple the potential competition by exporting some good old American know-how.
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