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Practicing necromancy is a difficult art. Every reference book prescribes a different method: dissecting black cat cadavers under a full moon, examining mandrake tea leaves imbibed at midnight with jimson-weed tonic, dropping I Ching sticks on a Tarot deck, plotting the horological conjunctions of the planets with the geomantic convergence points of Gaian harmony.
All those seemed too complicated for the relatively simple task of predicting what 1990 will bring. Instead, I stick to the materials at hand. I now peer into a dark glass vacuum tube, doubtlessly related to the crystal balls of yore, while powerful emanations from a quartz crystal vibrating 21,424,318 times every second fill the room with holistic energy. Words seem to form before my eyes as I delicately move my fingers across the Qwerty board, which is very similar to the Ouija board, for it too bears letters, numbers and arcane symbols.
And it says this is what we shall see in 1990:
At least one supermarket tabloid will contain a detailed account from a bald 51-year-old aluminum-siding salesman about how he lost two teeth when was assaulted on May 27, 1990, in a rural Iowa tavern by Billy Martin, who starts the argument by loudly claiming that Elvis is having an affair with Marilyn Monroe, not Roseanne Barr.
Colorado Republicans will eventually find a candidate to run against Roy Romer this year. He will argue that Colorado could use a governor, rather than a head cheerleader. He will lose, so I don't want to embarrass him by mentioning his name now.
Thousands of vacation homes will stand vacant in Colorado throughout most of the year while people discuss the plight of the homeless.
Although every office-holder from the mayor on up has pledged there will be no tax increases, you will pay more taxes this year than you did last year.
Social workers who live off the public treasury will continue to counsel people on how not to.
One member of the U.S. House of Representatives will be accused in a scandal involving a bisexual quadruped. Since he is not from California or Massachusetts, it will end his political career.
During just one year, Princess Di will manage to be seen
in more different outfits than Nancy Reagan managed during
all eight years of her reign. (Speaking of the Reagans, the
present trend will continue, and by the end of 1990, most
people outside Japan will say Ronnie and Nancy who?
when their names come up.)
Within the year, the free and sovereign nation of Panama
will be home to more American soldiers than Panamanian
citizens. President Bush will announce that we can now
see the light at the end of the canal.
It will be revealed that cyanide-leach mining
operations, inadequate sewage-treatment plants and
heavy-metal contamination in mountain counties are part of
a plot to keep the Front Range from taking any more water.
In retaliation, Colorado Springs announces a 4,000-mile
reservoir to cover the entire San Luis Valley, thus
eliminating poverty, poaching, and the speaking of
unofficial languages in Colorado. Gov. Romer at first has
qualms, but later endorses it as an important first step
in economic development.
As an economy move to reduce overcrowding in its prison
system, Colorado will release all violent criminals who
make the prisons so dangerous and expensive to operate.
However, the move proves ineffective because judges
continue to hand down stiff sentences to flag burners,
people who mumble during the Pledge of Allegiance, and
unfortunates who weren't wearing red ribbons during the
last Just Say No
week.
Calling for greater respect for human life,
several groups will lobby for the death penalty for any
woman who procures an abortion.
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