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Every so often, even the sports pages can provide something new to worry about. For one, I have lately read that the mountain states are the only region of the country which has never won a major national sporting championship.
What's supposed to happen? An affirmative action program
for championships? Is the NCAA going to announce that
Even if Notre Dame was undefeated last year, we're
awarding the championship to Western Montana State Teachers
College, because it's been a while since there was a trophy
in that neck of the woods, and besides, they tried real
hard.
?
A bigger concern is that, if I understand matters correctly, there a distinct possibility that some morning I will call an editor in New York or California, and explain that I'm calling from Colorado.
Colorado?
he asks. Colorado? Isn't that the
state with Denver? Isn't Denver the city with the Broncos?
Aren't the Broncos the team that lost four Superbowls?
He mocks with cruel laughter, but before I can speak, he
recovers his diction.
Hey, punk, you're from a state that has a city that
has a football team that lost four times in the
Superbowl,
he snarls. That makes you a loser. It's
why I'm not touching your stuff.
Just lose one too many Superbowls, come in second once too often, and a team is forever branded a loser; the resulting disgrace spreads like an oil spill to contaminate an entire region in all phases of life.
Sports must be somewhat different from real life, where finishing second seldom leads to public humiliation. On a personal basis, I don't think I'd mind if I were the second-best-paid columnist in America. I'm not absolutely sure of that, though, but perhaps we could talk the Post's management into an experiment, and in 10 or 15 years, I'll tell you about all the shame and degradation I felt during that time as Number Two.
Look at George Bush, who ran part of the War on Drugs when he was vice-president. Drugs won, but George nonetheless went on to gain the highest secular office this world has to offer.
Did you ever hear of Gen. Nelson A. Miles or Gen. George Crook? Of course not, because they won when they fought against the Apache and the Sioux. Meanwhile, a real loser -- an officer who managed to lose himself and his entire command, George A. Custer -- is an immortal celebrity.
My sports-minded friends advise me that there is one team, the Minnesota Vikings, which has lost four Superbowls. Since this could happen here, I figured I'd best find out what dismal things have happened to Minnesota.
The creative talent of the Gopher State has been
paralyzed. For example, International Falls lacked the wit
to make up its own slogan like Land of 1,000 Jumper
Cables
or Hypothermia Haven.
Instead, they had
to spend good money to buy the Nation's Icebox
from
our own Fraser.
The politics of the North Star State are bizarre, even
by Colorado standards. Rudy Perpich, the chief executive,
is known there as Governor Goofy.
To save energy, he
unplugged the coffee urns in the statehouse, and to help
the homeless, he wants to sell the governor's mansion.
Recently, someone put up a border sign that said
Welcome to Minnesota, the Brainpower State.
No one
sued over false advertising, but one state legislator
complained that That's just the same as telling stupid
people we don't want them in Minnesota.
Right. They
might get elected to the legislature. Or even governor.
Consider the 1984 election. With only 13 electoral votes, Walter Mondale lost bigger than anybody has lost in years. But after reading the sports pages, you know it happened because Mondale was from Minnesota, the Land of Four-Time Losers, while Ronald Reagan was from California, home of six Lombardi trophies.
There's an explanation for everything, if you just look hard enough.
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