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During his State of the Union speech Wednesday night, President Bush said he wanted Americans to excel in science and math by the end of the century.
To see how far we need to go, an assessment is in order. So get out your pencil and take this short test.
1. The mathematical law of trichotomy
states that
every real number is greater than, less than, or equal to
0. Where does 114.73 fit in here?
2. Based on empirical scientific evidence, what are the results of dwelling upon pornography?
3. Water is the most common liquid on the planet, and a necessity for life. What can you use water for?
4. The dollar has undergone tremendous inflation since 1880. Can you estimate how much?
ANSWERS
1. At first glance, 114.73 certainly appears to be greater than 0.
However, one study says $114.73 is the amount of additional Social Security tax that will be taken out of the average American's paycheck this year, so for personal budget purposes, it qualifies as a negative quantity, thus less than 0.
And note that 114.73 went into effect under the regime
of George No new taxes
Bush, which means that 114.73
must be equal to 0 if you use political mathematics.
Even if 114.73 looks like a real number, the laws of mathematics say that it can't be, since it is simultaneously greater than, less than, and equal to 0.
2. The late Ted Bundy said that it was pornography which impelled him to lure young women into his car. Charles Keating, of Lincoln Savings & Loan fame, used to be head of an anti-porn outfit called Citizens for Decent Literature.
Thus the empirical evidence indicates that continued thinking about pornography leads in one of two directions: to become the greatest serial murderer in U.S. history, or to start buying senators to protect your status as the greatest looter in U.S. history.
3. There is water on the Western Slope which people fish
within, float atop and gaze upon. But those are not
uses
for water, according to the promoters of the
Union Park project, who say that there is unused
water which must be piped to the Front Range. In Colorado
scientific doctrine, flowing water is not used for
anything, and must therefore be converted to beneficial
use
-- i.e., watering sidewalks in distant cities.
4. One way to figure the inflation rate is to compare the price of similar quantities. A suitable index might be the price of shame.
Ulysses S. Grant was an honorable soldier who served his country for many years. However, his name is now a byword for corruption, because during his tenure as presidency, many of Grant's appointees were either lax or greedy. Although Grant was not personally enriched, his name was forever besmirched. The total take during the Grant era was about $400 million.
Pretty much the same thing happened during the Reagan years, but the take was about $300 billion and counting. So $400 million bought Grant an eternal bad name, while $300 billion didn't even touch Reagan's reputation with most Americans. Thus one 1880 dollar is worth less than 750 modern dollars when it comes to buying shame, which means an inflation rate of more than 75000 percent.
Note that other commodities haven't inflated nearly as much. For example, Grant paid $4 for a gallon of rotgut, whereas today, four liters of bad whiskey cost about $25; that indicates 500 percent inflation.
Judging by the thrift scandal, purchasing a U.S. senator's favorable influence in these times requires about $1.5 million, whereas during Grant's era, Credit Mobilier operatives paid about $50,000 per senator, for 3000 percent inflation. For us as compared to our ancestors, whiskey is cheaper than senators, and there isn't enough money anywhere for a president to become known to history primarily as a man who presided over corruption.
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