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Every so often, when I venture into a bookstore and take a wrong turn, I find myself surrounded by crystals and New Age revelations along the line of Meditation Routines to Tap the Awesome Power of the Mysteries of the Inner Self and Become Filthy Rich Even though You Have Become so Enlightened That You Really Don't Care about Money.
Such books claim to have solved many abiding philosophic enigmas, but despite my continued research, I am still befuddled by certain mysteries of the cosmos:
· How do cats know when you're comfortable? If you're up and about and tending to other chores, it is but a minor imposition to fed the cat or let him in or out. But no cat ever needs anything at those times.
Cats demand your attention with plaintive meows and claws at your ankles only when you are ensconced with a good book in an easy chair next to a warm stove. It should be noted that cats share this trait with telemarketers, who never call when you're sitting by the phone.
· Why can't people converse unless they're
standing in open doors? It always happens like this. On a
frigid day, someone will come by your house to pick up or
drop off something. You offer coffee and the comforts of
the kitchen table or living room. No, I really can't
stay. I've got to get going.
Okay.
Then the visitor gets back to the front door. As soon as he has it open, he pauses, and then begins an extended conversation about books, politics, philosophy, local gossip, etc. Meanwhile, all your expensive house heat races outside and the arctic has invaded your home. Seldom can you lure a threshold orator back inside, and if you do, he immediately clams up, only to resume when he gets the door open again.
· Why does our state government even give lip service to the idea that it cares about environmental matters? It was recently revealed that certain state patrol officials and driving instructors use state cars and gasoline to commute from home to work and back, such as from Castle Rock to Lakewood, or from Estes Park to Golden.
It's bad enough that such commutes exist -- they're a total waste of productive time and energy, they consume non-renewable resources, they increase pollution and congestion. It's much worse that the state actually pays for this insanity.
· Why is the public always so surprised by the kind of people who are revealed to be certain kinds of criminals?
There is always an amazed and astonished response whenever a child molester or pederast is arrested, and it turns out that said molester worked at a day-care center, led a scout troop, ministered troubled youths, taught at a junior high, etc.
Look at it this way. If you want a drink, you go to a bar, because that's where liquor is available. If you want a book, you go to the library, since that's where it is convenient to find what you want. If somebody wants to be a pervert, it should be no surprise that he would become a respected youth minister or dynamic counselor, since that's where it is easiest for him to find his prey.
· Why don't bizarre people ever commit bizarre crimes?
Always, after some particularly gruesome mass murder,
the neighbors say things like They were such quiet,
normal people, just went about their business and never
bothered anybody. You could never have even imagined that
something like this would happen.
Never does anyone say They were weird, real sicko nut
cases. They made the Addams family look like the Cleavers.
Their pet wolverine was always getting out, and the cops
never would do anything about that howitzer on their front
porch. They shouted crazy stuff all the time. I just knew
something terrible like this would happen.
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