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The old First Amendment has served America fairly well since Dec. 15, 1791, but many people on all sides of the political fences have decided that changes are necessary. The latest call for an overhaul comes in the wake of the most recent Supreme Court ruling that flag burning is a constitutionally protected form of free expression, and thus, cannot be outlawed unless the Constitution is changed.
To refresh your memory, here's the traditional 45-word
Jefferson-Madison version: Congress shall make no law
respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of
grievances.
That short ancient text should be brought into line with enlightened modern thinking, and here's how it might look:
Congress shall make no law:
1. Respecting an establishment of religion
1-a) Excepting that all candidates for public office who
want votes from the Bible Belt must declare that they favor
the teaching of creation science
in public schools
and advocate daily prayers in the classroom.
2. Or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;
2-a) However, Native Americans who are in prison cannot ingest their traditional sacraments.
3. Or abridging the freedom
A. Of speech,
3A-a) Excepting that the burning or other destruction of an American flag is treason, unless done without intent to convey a message.
3A-b) Excepting all utterances which may be construed as
racist, sexist, or otherwise demeaning to any group which
has attained victimized
status as specified in
Amendment XXVII.
3A-c) Excepting any recorded song whose lyrics may be offensive to a Senator's wife.
B. Or of the press,
3B-a) So long as the press does not publish any photos or stories which may be construed by any psychological professional as an inspiration to impure thoughts.
3B-b) Excepting that anyone indulging in free expression shall forever be subject to expensive harassment by swarms of lawyers with specious cases.
C. Or the right of the people to peaceably assemble,
3C-a) Providing that said people have received appropriate permits and have posted suitable insurance and other bonds as may be required by the custodian of the public area proposed for assembly.
D. And to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
3D-a) For ease in determining which petitioned grievances are worth redressing, this right will be construed to apply only to those persons or corporations who:
3D-a-i) Have contributed more than $100,000 to the re-election campaign of an incumbent Representative or Senator, or
3D-a-ii) Provide honorariums in excess of $10,000 per appearance.
There. Even as we've brought part of the Bill of Rights up to contemporary standards, we've managed to keep all the original words. Thomas Jefferson would be so proud.
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