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Last Friday, I had to visit downtown Denver in a downpour to see a literary agent as part of a personal war on poverty. We were trying to figure out what kinds of books might be best-sellers in the near future, and we came up with some sure bets:
How to Swim with the Sharks and Get Eaten Alive,
by Neil Bush. An engaging account of how a young oil
executive -- so kind and gentle that he doesn't even know
how to read a balance sheet -- finds himself the target of
unwanted congressional and media attention after naively
agreeing to serve as the director of a high-flying
savings-and-loan. While he suffers in the spotlight, the
sharks relax in the swimming pools of their Malibu
mansions. One reviewer has called this perhaps the best
how-not-to book ever written.
None Dare Call It Treason, by Lt. Col. Oliver North. Others may say there's something wrong with selling U.S. military equipment to a hostile nation, and then using the proceeds to finance a war in Central America when there's a law against using U.S. funds for that cause. But Ollie provides a brilliant justification -- that he was just following orders -- even though nobody remembers giving him the orders. And if you don't believe him, you're a pinko wimp.
The Art of the Fall, by Donald Trump, and Love among the Ruins, by Ivana Trump. In this unique two-book package, the Donald explains how you return from Atlantic City with a small fortune -- go there with a big one. Meanwhile, Ivana shows the true definition of steadfast commitment, as she points out that she loved Donald when he was poor and had a mere $3 million to his name.
Silence is Golden, by Milli Vanilli, Cher, Janet Jackson and Madonna. Why risk getting hoarse by actually singing at a concert, when people are willing to pay $20 a head just to watch you go through the motions -- and most of them have such rotten seats that they can't even see you do that? Insiders' secrets to continuing fame and fortune while preserving your vocal chords.
Everything I Know, I Learned in Kindergarten, by George Steinbrenner. Few five-year-olds ever got as much out of school as young George did. He learned that the louder you are, the more attention you get. The best way to get to the water fountain first is to cut in line, and dare anybody to do anything about it. Sharing is what you do when there's only one of something and the teacher is watching. Among his classmates, George found that appealing to loyalty was a sure-fire way to get them to do what he wanted them to, even though he never demonstrated any in return. A fine guide which demonstrates how the values of an obnoxious five-year-old boy serve well for advancing in adult life.
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