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Many people have criticized President Bush for going through with his planned vacation even though there's a crisis in the Middle East. However, nobody ever mentions that there is always a crisis in the Middle East, and that if people let that disturb their vacation plans, nobody would ever take vacations, and Colorado's tourist economy would go down the tubes.
But even if the President is setting a good example, it is still rather galling to see him happily pitching horseshoes in Kennebeckport while our American Way of Life -- cross-country trips in mammoth 4-mpg portable hotel suites, driving three blocks to pick up a quart of milk, daily 120-mile round-trip commutes -- is menaced by Iraq's invasion of Kuwait.
Although soldiers have been dispatched to Saudi Arabia, our military options are limited because Saddam Hussein has grabbed many Americans who were in Kuwait.
Old-time despots like Adolf Hitler merely returned foreign nationals when hostilities broke out. But Hussein has other plans for his American hostages. He'll use them for deterrence -- he can threaten to kill or torture hostages if we attack one of his air fields. American hostages make good shields; Hussein can intern them at military installations, so that if we bomb, we'll be killing some of our own people. That works better than anti-aircraft guns for keeping American bombers away.
Hostages also keep dinner on the table. Iraq must import food. Hussein says the hostages get fed last, after his soldiers and his own citizens. An American blockade would starve Americans first.
That looks like a no-win situation, but President Bush can seize victory and build a better America with one of these responses:
1. Ignore the hostages. You're taking your life in your hands every time you venture to the Levant. If you don't know that, you're stupid. If it becomes widely known that the U.S. won't do anything for stupid people, children will be inspired to pay attention, especially in their geography and current-events courses. Our educational system will suddenly show great improvement. That sounds callous, but people have died for worse causes, and better schools are a better cause than cheap oil.
Besides, the government cannot guarantee your safety if you happen to be jogging in New York's Central Park; why should it even try when you're 8,000 miles away?
2. Send more hostages. There are a lot of people that America has been very good to, people to whom the country should be able to turn to now in an hour of need.
Take Marion Barry. Please. Along with Imelda Marcos, Leona Helmsley, Donald Trump, Charles Keating, James Bakker, Pete Rose, Neil Bush and Jesse Helms. Land them in Kuwait City and hand them over to Iraqi troops. Every week, round up a new crew, drawn from both houses of Congress, Reagan-era appointees and People magazine cover stories.
In no more than a month, Hussein will be begging for mercy and selling crude at $2 a barrel. Or else he'll do something atrocious to the arriving hostages. Either way, we'll be better off, and George Bush will go down in history as the President who seized a glorious victory from a no-win situation.
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