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Of all columnists, advice columnists have it easiest. That's because the hardest part of writing columns is coming up with an idea you can work with, and if you write an advice column, thousands of people send you ideas, and they don't even charge for doing most of your work for you.
I haven't quite attained that level of sloth, but I do think it would be fun to write an advice column once in a while. See what you think.
Dear Ed,
Every day, I see people park in handicapped parking spaces who shouldn't be there. They don't have handicapped plates on their car, and when I see them get out of their cars, they're not on crutches or in wheelchairs or anything like that -- they look perfectly capable of walking an extra 50 feet. What can I do about these scofflaws? Should I take pictures and report them to the police?
Angry
Dear Angry:
The police already have enough to do, so don't expect a warm welcome for you and your pictures. Just look at it this way. If the person who takes a handicapped parking space is physically handicapped, the law is being obeyed. If the person in the handicapped spot is not physically handicapped, then it's obvious that he is morally handicapped. So you've still got a handicapped person using a handicapped space. The system works.
Dear Ed,
I'm real confused. The doctor told me that I would live longer if I reduced the amount of cholesterol in my system, which meant a change in diet. I had to quit eating things I liked -- steak, eggs, cheese -- and start eating weird stuff like raw fish and tofu. But I thought it was worth it because my cholesterol level dropped.
Then I read that lowering my cholesterol level does reduce the risk dying of heart disease, but it increases the risk of suicide and violent death, so that the average life expectancy is about the same, no matter how much or how little cholesterol you put into your system. Is there any hope?
Confused
Dear Confused:
No. As far as medical science knows, nobody here gets out alive. One theory has it that a wholesome diet does not actually extend your life span. It's just that if you don't eat anything that tastes good, life seems to take a lot longer.
However, my research discloses that the medical establishment really prefers the high-cholesterol route. On low cholesterol, if you commit suicide or get murdered, you're dead on the spot, and that's the end of things.
But on high cholesterol, you get heart disease, which means pacemakers, bypass operations, exotic medications, and lots of other expensive treatment. Guess who gets the money.
And with the right kind of heart attack or stroke, the courts have held that you can be kept alive by mechanical means until your physicians have exhausted your insurance and your estate. Then they go to the public treasury for money to keep you (technically) alive and paying.
This reverence for life is one of the treasures of American medicine. So enjoy your cholesterol.
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