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Those who want our schools to be utterly drug-free should be encouraged by the firm and decisive action taken by Bear Creek High School last week. In Fort Collins, they just want to run random tests on students'sblood and urine, but at Bear Creek, five students were suspended after they were caught with Vivarin tablets.
Vivarin, like the better-known No-Doz, is an over-the-counter product whose active ingredient is caffeine.
Like cocaine and amphetamines, caffeine is an alkaloid which stimulates the central nervous system, thus allowing students to stay awake during multi-cultural appreciation classes.
Since the powers of Bear Creek have decreed caffeine an intolerable substance, suspending the Vivarin Five is only a start on purifying the school.
Their next stop should be the teachers' lounge, where the coffee pot gets permanently unplugged. A cup of coffee contains about 80 milligrams of dangerous caffeine, and if the substance is bad for young and vigorous teenagers, how much worse it must be for those teachers and administrators who already suffer the pangs of middle age.
Tea bags must also be forbidden, since many teas contain more caffeine than coffee does.
Granted, there is decaf, as well as herbal teas which are certifiably free of caffeine. But allowing those would complicate enforcement, since any colored liquid would have to be analyzed in a laboratory. Further, even caffeine-free teas might contain other mood-altering substances like chamomile or sassafras, and you can't let people sneak those in if you're going to have a drug-free environment.
After the teachers' lounge is sanctified, the next stop is the hallway where most high schools have vending machines. Like many popular soft drinks, Coke and Pepsi contain caffeine, and must be removed.
A lot of the junk food sold in those machines contains chocolate, which teems with alkaloids -- not just caffeine, but also exotic stimulants like theobromine whose effects are still little understood. Just read any women's magazine for more information about chocolate's euphoric and addictive nature.
Then it will be time to visit the locker rooms. There is
always the possibility of steroids, but school officials
should pay more attention to the bloodstreams of athletes
coming in from practice. The well-known runners'
high
is a result of the body's production of
endorphins, which function in precisely the same manner as
sinister opiates like heroin and morphine. What difference
does it make how you reach this state of altered
consciousness -- smiling, nodding, far from fully alert --
when we all know that junkies are criminals?
Suspending those student caffeine purveyors was just a start, and we can only hope that Bear Creek officials will be consistent and thorough in their quest for a drug-free environment.
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