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Political scientists often explain that one of the glories of American democracy is the two-party system. That may be true, but the experts are dead wrong when they try to name the two parties.
Why are the experts wrong? It isn't because they neglect the third parties that have exercised such influence on America.
(You don't think third parties are influential? Consider
the Prohibition Party, which fields candidates in every
election. Prohibition candidates get negligible votes, but
the Prohibition platform succeeds. Every day, the major
parties propose new restrictions against drinking, smoking
and assorted other pursuits of happiness.
)
The experts are wrong because they haven't properly identified the two actual parties, which are not Republican and Democrat, but In-Cumbent and Out-Cumbent.
As you have probably guessed, members of the In-Cumbent party hold office, and Out-Cumbents want to hold office. Members of each are quite consistent in their views:
Out-cumbent: Our tax system is a disgrace to the
human race.
In-cumbent: An exempt organization, as defined in
section (1) (iv) (b), shall be considered as a non-exempt
institution in section (4) (viii) (d) for the purposes of
section (7) (ii) (a), except if said entity qualifies under
section (3) (iii) (f).
Out-cumbent: We can have a balanced federal budget by
1996.
In-cumbent: We cannot balance the federal budget on
the backs of [a) American workers, b) American investors,
c) the helpless members of society, d) indicted savings and
loan officials].
Out-cumbent: Like all Americans, I am outraged by the
military's atrocious waste of tax funds for $600 toilet
seats and $950 pliers. Further, we must close all unneeded
military facilities.
In-cumbent: I am pleased to announce the award of a
$748 million defense contract to the Goldplate Faucet Co.
of our district, and I am continuing my struggle to
preserve a vital part of our nation's defense, the Harrison
Musket & Harquebus Armory, which not only keeps our
nation strong, but also provides 13,500 jobs to the
hard-working people of this district.
Out-cumbent: Let's get our economy moving
again.
In-cumbent: Due to deep structural problems with the
rising dollar and a trade imbalance, unemployment rose by a
minuscule 48 percent last year, but I remain confident that
we are on the right course. In tough times, experience
counts.
You get the idea. Out-cumbents, whether Republicans or Democrats, always say one thing, and In-cumbents, whether Democrats or Republicans, always say another. Those are the true party alignments in our system.
If my political antennae are telling me anything, it's that this will be a bad year for incumbents. Everybody I talk to has the same philosophy I do this year -- vote against all office-holders and start over.
But there is probably a brain-washing facility somewhere, because no matter how much sense an Out-cumbent makes before an election, if he wins, then within two years he talks just like an In-cumbent.
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