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You, too, can become an anonymous but prominent facet of American history. All you have to do is submit the winning entry in the Great Persian Gulf War Slogan Contest, officially denied this week by a high-ranking administration spokesperson.
The authors of stirring slogans aren't remembered, but
their very words quicken the patriot's heart and impel the
feet into a martial step: Millions for defense, but not
one cent for tribute.
Fifty-four forty or fight.
Free the slaves.
Remember the Maine.
Make
the world safe for democracy.
Bring Pizza Face back
to stand trial.
To help you write a phrase that will fit on a bumper
sticker and induce enlistments when pronounced by a
recruiting sergeant, here's the official rationale for the
growing U.S. presence in Saudi Arabia, as announced last
week by Secretary of State James A. Baker, III: To bring
it down to the level of the average American citizen, let
me say that it means jobs. If you want to sum it up in one
word, it's jobs.
There it is, straight from the horse's mouth (the whereabouts of the other end of the horse are unknown).
However, a mere JOBS
won't suffice for the
Official War Slogan. For one thing, the only people who
want jobs are people who don't have them, and America has
never cared much about such people -- it only grudgingly
feeds them, and certainly wouldn't go to war for the
benefit of such rabble.
For another, Job
is the name of a Biblical
character, a wealthy Middle Eastern sheik at that. Make
that our slogan, and some misguided people will think we're
really going to war to protect wealthy sheiks in Saudi
Arabia, that bastion of freedom and enlightenment where you
can't read Bibles, magazines with photos of bare-armed
female models, or books with racy covers. Nor can women
legally drive there now, thanks to a recent announcement
from Sheik Abdul-Aziz bin Abdullah bin Baz, the Saudi sage
who earlier ruled that the earth is flat.
(Although, to be fair, that is a possible solution to the current crisis. If women were forbidden to drive in this country, then our oil consumption would be cut in half, and we wouldn't have to import any, so there wouldn't be a shortage. Although sexist, the policy must be effective, because there is absolutely no evidence of an oil shortage in Saudi Arabia.)
Anyway, you now know why we've got soldiers and sailors in the Persian Gulf. It's for jobs, to keep the American economy strong so we can pay off all the billions borrowed and embezzled while Ronald Reagan was sleeping.
Already there have been entries in the Great Slogan Contest:
I regret that I have only one life to give for my
countrymen's employment seniority rights and vested
pensions.
Speak softly and be carried by a big
Cadillac.
The Four Freedoms: Freedom from the $3 a gallon that
the rest of the world pays, Freedom to be told what to do
all day by an employer, Freedom to continue borrowing
against your Visa card, Freedom to keep 96 percent of the
incumbents in Congress.
But none of those resonates with the simple but inspiring intonations that will produce another splendid little war. You can send your entries here, or directly to the Ministry of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment, c/o J. Danforth Quayle, Washington D.C. 20500.
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