< PREVIOUS ] [ 1991 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
Almost every day, sometimes several times a day, you see the results of public-opinion surveys concerning the Gulf War.
These surveys usually announce that 97 percent of Americans support President Bush, all armed-forces personnel, yellow ribbons, and The Flag. Further, of that vast majority, 85 percent are in favor of summary execution for anyone who doesn't agree with them. The other 15 percent advocate slow torture first.
The problem with these surveys is that they aren't precise. It dawned on me when I asked friends about how they felt about the war. The most common answer (remember, people who will be seen in public anywhere near me probably do not think like the great wholesome majority of Americans) is to this effect:
Well, I support our troops and the war, because as
things stand now, there will be war over there anyway,
whether we're there or not, so the quickest way to get it
over with is probably to prosecute the war to the fullest.
But President Bush ought to be impeached for putting us
there in the first place.
But the surveys always assume that support for the war effort is the same thing as support for the President. In the interest of a more informed public, I offer this precision survey to the pollsters:
1. What should America's goal be in the Gulf?
A. Saddam Hussein's head on a platter.
B. The restoration of Emir Shaikh Jabir al-Ahmad al-Jabir al-Sabah's income of $20 million a week.
C. 29-cent-a-gallon gasoline.
D. To demonstrate that America stands for freedom and self-determination against aggressive despots, except for in places like Tibet, Lithuania and Tianamen Square.
E. A New World Order which provides the longest interval of peace and stability in the entire history of the Middle East -- upward of 10 hours.
2. Why do you support military censorship of the media in the Gulf?
A. The media might otherwise reveal that one of our allies is a country that supports terrorism and that another is a place where women cannot drive and the world is officially flat. If word of that gets out, support of the war on the home front might slip.
B. Some slimeball Saddam-sympathizer could undermine
morale by reporting that one of our bombs missed its
target, so it's better to believe that all our bombs
perform their missions perfectly with no collateral damage.
Even worse, word might get out that collaterals
are
living, breathing people.
C. Most of the reporters are ignorant waterheads who can strut well on TV but can't tell a Scud from a sortie. Without the military to straighten them out, we'd have no hope of finding out what's going on.
3. Why do you support President Bush in the Gulf Crisis?
A. He's an oil man by trade, and so he knows what's best for American energy policy.
B. He's a trustworthy man who deserves our support;
after all, we supported him when he promised No new
taxes
and said Give peace a chance.
C. Dan Quayle is next in line.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1991 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >