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Last week, I read Peggy Noonan's memoir, What I Saw
at the Revolution,
about her career as a White House
speechwriter. It made me wonder if I, too, might someday
find myself in a back room putting words in the mouth of
the Leader of the Free World.
In 1984, I almost wrote speeches for a candidate, who shall remain nameless, to save him embarrassment. He was a conservative real-estate developer with an eye on a seat in the state legislature. However, he had some intelligent thoughts, which naturally raised suspicions at state GOP headquarters. He thought about running as a Libertarian, but finally decided that real-estate development had done enough damage to his moral character; he didn't need to augment the destruction by associating with the Colorado General Assembly.
But I'm older and wiser now, and I'd like another try at speechwriting.
The Ken Chlouber for U.S. Senate Speech: In my first
campaign, I said we should 'put criminals in jail, put
prayer back in the schools, and put the blue lights back on
snow plows.'
We've built several prisons in my district, and they
did restore blue lights to snow plows, though I didn't find
out about it till well after it happened.
Now, many of you wonder whether a guy from Leadville
can be a senator. Well, I want you to know that it has
happened before. In 1883, Hod Tabor spread silver dollars
lavishly and bought a 30-day seat in the U.S. Senate.
President Chet Arthur even attended his Washington wedding
to the famous Baby Doe. The event put Colorado on front
pages throughout the world -- especially when it turned out
that Tabor had been practicing bigamy.
That's how a live-wire go-getter senator can promote
his home state, and that's why I'll be a better senator
then Tim Wirth, who never met a cable-TV PAC he didn't
like.
Any Colorado Official Seeking Re-election in 1992:
The United deal? What United deal? Oh, that little
thing. As Saint Leona says, 'Only the little people pay
taxes.' Let us remember that the things which unite us as
Coloradans are far more important than minor administrative
matters pertaining to economic development, and let us go
forward into the 21st century with confidence that we can
meet the challenge of providing governmental services for
6,000 well-paid people who don't pay taxes.
The All-Purpose Ted Kennedy Crime-Scene Speech: It
didn't happen. If it did happen, I wasn't there. If I was
there, I wasn't told about it. If I heard about it, there
was nothing I could do, and I wasn't involved. If I was
involved, my actions resulted from a misunderstanding of
this tragic situation that didn't happen and didn't concern
me, anyway. Now let us get on with the great task of
building a moral and responsible nation.
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