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Historians say that the Puritans of 17th-century America
do not deserve their reputation for unrelieved severity.
Although Maypole dances and Christmas celebrations meant a
trip to the dunking pond or the pillory, the Puritans also
swilled ale by the keg, and their nubile teenagers
practiced an art known as bundling.
Even so, on account of writers like Nathaniel Hawthorne
and H.L. Mencken, Puritan
has come to mean someone
who disapproves of pleasure. These days, they come in two
forms: the Traditional Blue-Nose (Trad
), who cites
religious and ethical precepts, and the New-Age Puritan
(Nappie
), who presents different reasons for telling
you not to enjoy yourself.
Trad: You shouldn't salt your meat, because it makes
the food taste better, and that will cause you to commit
the sin of gluttony.
Nappie: Elevating your sodium level causes high blood
pressure, and an inappropriately high cholesterol intake
bears a statistical relationship to cardiac disorders. You
are thereby increasing your risk of heart disease and
stroke, which means my health insurance premiums will go
up. It is indeed unfair that someone like me, who is
scrupulous about diet and exercise, should have to pay for
the careless excesses of wretches like you.
Trad: It is white man's burden to carry the blessings
of civilization to the heathen savages, by force of arms if
necessary.
Nappie: While I firmly respect cultural diversity and
I have a deep appreciation for indigenous cultures, I
support the President in his quest for a New World
Order.
Trad: Don't smoke that marijuana. It just makes you
think that you feel better, and it doesn't give you a
hangover. The pursuit of pleasure without corresponding
pain constitutes the sin of hedonism. Further, it
inevitably leads to the degradation of heroin
addiction.
Nappie: Your indulgence in substance abuse is an
indication that you are too ignorant to conduct an
appropriate lifestyle, whereby you could experience a
meaningful and significant 'runner's high' every morning
after your 12-mile work-out.
Trad: Adultery, fornication, and sodomy are sins. The
Great Pox is a divine punishment.
Nappie: Certain sexual practices can lead to
incurable disease, which will raise my taxes, and thus
force me to postpone buying a state-of-the-art CD
player.
Trad: Watching those lascivious images of scantily
clad women dancing in response to primitive jungle music is
an inspiration to the deadly sin of onanism, which leads to
blindness and hairy palms.
Nappie: Exploitative imagery created by white
Euro-cultured temporarily abled males is inevitably
degrading to women, gays, African-Americans, the
differently abled and other marginalized victims of
patriarchal oppression. How dare you be a party to such
political incorrectness?
As you can tell, the Trads are power-hungry moralistic busybodies, whereas the Nappies evidence a sincere and holistic concern for the overall welfare of society -- especially when it affects their taxes, life expectancy or insurance premiums.
This may explain why, even in this enlightened and tolerant era, the Nappies are just as annoying as the Trads.
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