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Martha laughed hilariously Sunday morning as she read Contemporary. For once, it wasn't Dave Barry; it was the cover story.
Can you believe this? In our decadent cities, men
have apparently forgotten how to be men. So they go to the
woods, strip naked, and get inside these steam-bath lodges
where they sit close to each other. That's not exactly my
idea of a stud.
I cautioned her not to say anything politically incorrect that could be interpreted as homophobic, lest the Virtue Squad raid us again. Last week they found undecaffeinated coffee in our pantry, but let us off with a warning.
You're right,
I continued. If men have
forgotten the traditional ways, we could open an academy in
Salida and make some money. Most of what we need is
here.
There's the 'Men's Resource Center,' a/k/a the
Victoria Tavern,
she agreed. That's where you guys
hang out, swill beer and swap lies.
There's a problem with that,
I said. Our
potential students wouldn't approve of hanging out and
griping. They want to be caring, sensitive and
nurturing.
But that's crazy,
Martha said. Do women want
to be caring, sensitive and nurturing any more? Or do they
want power, fame, fortune and glory?
Nobody wants caring, sensitive and nurturing any
more,
I concurred. Except for these sweat-lodge
wannabes who think they can be GI Joe and Barbie at the
same time.
Right,
Martha agreed. Everybody knows a real
man can hammer his thumb, engage in combat, fall off a
scaffold, dig ditches till he drops, chug a pitcher,
chain-smoke Camel straights, work under a bumper jack, eat
a year's worth of cholesterol at one picnic, and clean a
bathroom without touching the toilet, the sink or the
floor.
Those guys are idiots, I said,
if they
think they can express their masculinity by sitting in a
sauna.
No, you've got that wrong,
Martha said. Isn't
it just like a man to spend a lot of money to go off for a
weekend with the boys and claim it will make him a better
husband and father? Instead of taking his wife somewhere?
Or doing something with his kids?
You probably think a man should waste his weekend by
taking his kids and their friends to Chuckee
Cheeze.
At least that would show he has stamina and
courage.
I'd rather paint myself blue and howl at the
moon.
So would they. This is a great scam. When
old-fashioned insensitive men go off deer hunting with
their friends, they don't dare claim that it will make them
better fathers or more attentive husbands. If you ask me,
these New Age males have the essence of masculinity all
figured out, no matter what they do or don't do in their
sweat-lodge rituals.
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