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Progress is wonderful. We really have become a kinder and gentler nation. A mere 215 years ago, angry Americans gathered in torch-lit mobs to burn effigies of King George III of England. Now courteous and cultivated Americans vie eagerly for invitations to bend, scrape and curtsy when Her Royal Highness Elizabeth II visits her former colonies.
In the primitive circumstances of 1776, the
representatives of the United States of America, in
general congress assembled
rebelled against King George
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among
us.
In this enlightened modern era, our representatives
work diligently to protect the economy by opposing the
closure of Lowry Air Force Base and other sites which
quarter large bodies of armed troops among us.
It is really hard, in a time and place where Douglas
Bruce and other tax-limitation proponents are widely
considered crackpot threats to public order, to understand
why those so-called patriots
bore a grudge against
King George for imposing taxes upon us without our
consent.
Even more difficult to comprehend is why the colonists
were upset at Britain for depriving us, in many cases,
of the benefits of trial by jury.
Didn't they know that
an efficient court system requires that at least 80 percent
of the caseload be plea-bargained?
With all the benefits we get from the FBI, the CIA, the
NSA, the IRS, the DEA, the INS, OSHA, the Forest Service,
etc., it's easy to see that the signers of the Declaration
were way off base when they whined that King George has
erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms
of officers to harass our people and eat out their
substance.
And how naive of them to claim that governments existed
to advance life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness.
Our progressive modern government defines
new capital crimes every year and allows you to be
strip-searched if you happen to be aboard public
transportation.
As for the pursuit of happiness, what you grow in your
garden can bring government agents to your door. And do be
careful how you use household bleach -- the Clorox label
warns us that It is a violation of Federal law to use
this product in a manner inconsistent with its
labeling.
But what can you expect? The signers of the Declaration
were all white Euro-cultured males. Some owned slaves and
grew deadly tobacco. Others brewed ale, cultivated hemp,
factored tea, or otherwise profited from substance abuse.
The alleged extra-marital affairs of Benja. Franklin
and Th. Jefferson
were common gossip.
Obviously nothing worthwhile could come from such a group. It's just as well that their primitive ideas and ideals have been so largely forgotten and ignored. Tomorrow we can celebrate 215 years of progress.
END OF COLUMN:
Memo to Ewegen:
Somebody should nominate Traylor's Hardware in Longmont. I haven't done enough business with them to have any anecdotes, but people I know there swear by the place.
Hereabouts, it's Cady's Hardware. On my first visit, I needed 1 chest handle. Chest handles always come in pairs. Jack Cady ripped a package open and sold me just one. I decided then that it was the place to buy hardware.
Once I needed a screwdriver with a very thin blade. Jack didn't have one in stock, but he spent 45 minutes grinding one down to the proper size, and charged me $1.39 -- the going price for the stock screwdriver.
Recently I needed some glider tips for chairs. He didn't have any the right size, but suggested I use crutch tips. To keep the metal chair legs from cutting through, he said to install flat washers where the end of the leg met the rubber; works fine.
He's a gem, even if I probably can't officially nominate
him because I'm not a normal reader.
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