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As they had every day for 27 years, the crew took off
from Burbleson Air Force Base in a B-52 loaded with
thermonuclear warheads. At cruising altitude, they received
orders from Gen. Jack D. Ripper: Execute Plan R.
In his battered cowboy hat, the pilot checked his code
book, just to be sure. Yep,
he muttered, it sure
enough is Plan R. Wonder what ol' Ripper's up to this time?
Plan R is sure enough a new one on me.
The navigator pulled the top-secret battle plan folder from the safe and read it through the intercom to the pilot.
I've been to one world's fair, a picnic and a rodeo,
and that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard over a set
of earphones,
the pilot replied.
Why is that, Major Kong?
they all asked.
If I understand this here Plan R, we're supposed to
return to base, and then stand down. They're gonna mothball
this here plane and destroy all our nukes.
Are you sure?
the bombardier asked. I can't
imagine Gen. Ripper giving such orders.
Don't reckon it was ol' Ripper's notion,
Maj.
Kong said. Them orders come straight from the White
House. You can't get much higher'n that, unless maybe from
Gen. Buck Turgidson. Orders is orders, boys, so let's turn
this critter around and head for the barn.
After landing, the crew learned that Plan R was indeed in effect, thanks to President Bush's dramatic announcement. Since the Air Force no longer needed them, they were discharged on the spot.
Maj. Kong tried without success to find a job. Sure
is peculiar,
he commented. All them high-powered
jaspers off in Washington keep saying this here recession
is over, but everywhere I go, it just keeps gettin' worse.
I just read in the paper that American companies are
cuttin' out 2,200 jobs a day.
His unemployment benefits ran out. President Bush vetoed an extension. The President said the recession was over, even though Kong -- and everybody Kong knew -- couldn't find a job that paid more than minimum wage.
Kong decided to do what the President's son had done when unemployed.
The retired major set up an oil-and-gas exploration company that wouldn't find any oil or gas. He wanted some people to get SBA loans and invest them in his company, so that Kong could use the proceeds to pay himself $150,000 a year. But he was not in Denver, so he couldn't find anybody to invest in his scheme. Even worse, Kong faced a prison sentence for securities fraud and for writing short checks.
So this is the American way that I was fighting to
defend all this years,
Kong lamented while out on bail
and awaiting his sentencing. They've got two sets of
rules in the good ol' USA. There's one set if you're named
'Bush,' or if you can get one of them fancy Congressional
Checking Accounts, and there's another set if you're just a
good ol' boy like me. I gotta do something 'bout
this.
He stole an airplane for a protest flight to the capitol, where he planned to buzz the Washington Monument. Unfortunately, plane's controls stuck.
Maj. Kong was last seen sitting astride the plane's nose
as it spiraled down toward the White House and Capitol. He
was waving his cowboy hat and shouting Yay-hoo,
yay-hoo!
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