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Richard Thornburgh is something of a novelty among attorneys general in Republican administrations. Unlike John Mitchell and Edwin Meese, who resigned to be indicted, Thornburgh quit so he could run for Senate.
Even so, Thornburgh got beaten like an anvil Tuesday by Harris Wofford, an obscure Democrat who promoted national health insurance. President Bush said Wednesday that there was a message in this. My inside source, Ananias Ziegler of the Committee That Really Runs America, confirmed that the administration is studying three options:
1. Operation Domestic Storm. For six months, America
will mobilize against the enemy in the most important
encounter since World War II.
Everyone who needs
medical care will be able to just drop by the clinic or
hospital of choice. The bill will go to Saudi Arabia or
Japan. You'll proudly wear a yellow ribbon to show that
you're against disease.
Bush will announce victory with patriotic parades in
every town. The heroic Surgeon General, Antonia Teetotal
Toni
Novello, will retire with a $5 million book
contract.
Afterward, if a reporter asks the president why people
still get sick after this glorious triumph, Bush will reply
that We've settled that illness thing and it's time to
move on. Why aren't you asking about my important state
visit to Ulaanbaatar?
2. Deregulation. It was good for the S&L's a decade ago, and Bush says good for banks now, so why not the medical industry? Your doctor will be allowed to perform any therapy, from bleeding your veins to trepanning your skull, and to charge whatever the market will bear.
However, the patients at licensed physicians will be covered by the FDIC (Fumbling Doctor Insurance Corporation), whereby the taxpayers will pick up the tab for malpractice or wrongful death. Congress will provide close oversight of those doctors and hospitals who neglect to provide appropriate campaign contributions.
3. The War on Disease. William Bennett will be named the
nation's new Disease Czar. Borrowing from Samuel Butler's
1872 novel Erewhon,
Bennett will persuade
legislators (none of them will want to be known as soft
on disease
) to define new felonies ranging from Simple
Fracture to Aggravated Pneumonia. Those who violate these
sensible laws will go to prison, where they can get therapy
and learn to change their wicked ways.
All schoolchildren will parrot what they hear in their
informative DARE (Diseases Are Rotten and Evil) programs,
and will be encouraged to turn in their parents if their
homes are not a Germ-Free Environment. Patriotic Americans
will wear red ribbons: Proud to be
Bacteria-Free.
Police will get expanded powers. For instance, if you're suspected of being a pusher (say, by sneezing in public), your assets will be seized immediately. Even if you are circumspect in public, your home can be inspected at any time to see if there is sodium in your pantry, cholesterol in your refrigerator or white sugar in your cupboard. There will be no mercy for gardeners who cultivate or sell controlled vegetables, such as broccoli.
Which one will the administration pick in order to blunt
a potent Democratic issue? Ziegler told me that No. 3, the
War on Disease, is leading now, but a lot could change
if we find the medical equivalent of Willie Horton.
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