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Last Wednesday, our state legislature had an opportunity to hear the words of Thomas Jefferson, but chose instead to listen to J. Danforth Quayle.
Lest you rush to a malign judgment about the wisdom of our solons, note that Quayle is fashionable now. It was worth a seven-part series when Washington journalists learned that he has a pulse; they will publish extra editions if they discover activity in his frontal lobes.
We must hope that the vice-president did not distract the General Assembly from its primary mission this session: adopting an official folk dance for the state of Colorado.
It is with considerable fear that I dare question the merits of the current front-runner, the square dance. Square-dancers may look like genial, harmless folks who doh-si-doh in their snap-button shirts and stiff petticoats, but in fact they are zealous fanatics.
When I edited the local newspaper, Salida boasted two square-dance clubs, the Shavano Shufflers and the Monarch Mavericks. If a story about the Mavericks ran even a line longer than the Shuffler story, irate Shufflers threatened to cancel their subscriptions. If the Shufflers got a larger headline than the Mavericks, angry Mavericks promised an advertising boycott.
When I tried to explain that I was an objective journalist interested only in informing the community of significant events like their weekend trips to Saguache and Florence, I heard about feathers and tar barrels. The square-dance lobby must not be taken lightly, especially in an election year.
But as folk dances go, the square-dance is only one of many worthy contenders. Long before any square-dancers arrived, native Coloradans celebrated the Bear Dance, Shield Dance, Dog Dance and War Dance.
On the plains, there was the grueling Sun Dance, and to the south, the fandango. All these dances deserve serious consideration if our legislators have the backbone to buck the powerful square-dance lobby.
Pioneer prospectors did square dance -- usually with
designated females, on account of a shortage -- but they
also enjoyed reels, polkas, jigs, two-steps, mazurkas,
czardas, minuets and waltzes. Nor should we forget the
lively Tenderfoot Dance,
accompanied by a
revolver.
However, official
means connected with
office,
and we could look at those who hold office if
we must have an official dance.
Gov. Roy Romer has been known to square-dance, but he has few peers at the Straddle, as he demonstrated when he was both for and against Two Forks. Sen. Ted Strickland is a past master of the Turnaround; just look at his statements on abortion. Anyone above the level of dog-catcher is good at the Sidestep, wherein the dancer refuses to face the music. Nor should we forget the ever-popular Backstab, the rewarding Corporate Ladder Climb and the giardia-inspired Mountain Trot.
To designate only the square dance is to favor one
ethnic group. In these politically-correct times, the
legislature would be wise to designate all known dances,
from the Ute Scalp Dance and Mexican Hat Dance to the
Freddy, Alligator, Wave and Break Dance. This bold
multi-cultural statement would also provide a unique
promotional slogan: Visit Colorado, Land of a Thousand
Dances.
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