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You've doubtless encountered the newest annoyance from corporate America, which is cutting costs by not hiring anyone to answer the phone:
Thank you for calling International Widget. If you
know the extension, enter it now. Press 1 for accounts
receivable, 2 for new products, 3 to order . . . If you are
a vendor who wants to talk to our accounts payable
department about getting paid, please wait on line for 30
minutes, and a human will then put you on hold through the
13 worst elevator music arrangements of all time, not sold
in any record store, but available for only $9.98 plus
$17.95 shipping and handling on CD or eight-track from our
Widgesound subsidiary . . .
Some progressive companies have junked these horrors, but the trend is clearly otherwise. I'm surprised that some entrepreneur hasn't combined this, along with several other modern advances, into a new service.
Welcome to the National Hot-Button Line. Press 1 if
you're mad about the House Bank. To send a message to
George Bush without supporting Pat Buchanan, press 2. Press
3 if you live better than you did four years ago; President
Bush is having trouble finding you. Press 4 to send $100 to
Jerry Brown. To offer Paul Tsongas a seat on your corporate
board, press 5. Press 6 to support Bill Clinton after
today's allegation; 7 to hear today's allegation, as taped
by Gennifer Flowers. If you think the U.S. should quit
buying stuff from Japan, including machines like this one,
press 8. To hear a raunchy excerpt from a Karen Finley
performance so you can decide on NEA funding, press
9.
The National Hot-Button Line would provide several valuable services. The next time our president considers a war, he could use the line to determine the most salable reason first -- jobs, oil, nuclear proliferation, stability -- so that he wouldn't appear to be changing his mind.
Totals could be updated frequently, like every minute. This would help our political reporters do what they best -- avoid ideas and issues, and focus on numbers and trends.
But who would pay? This would have to be a toll-free 800 line, and those aren't cheap.
Just borrow a trick from direct-mail hustlers. If you ever deal with any such outfit, from Save the Seals to Ollie North for the Next Vacancy in the Holy Trinity, then for the next decade you will receive their mail solicitations.
Move that to telephones, and the Hot-Button Line
provides modern calling lists
rather than antiquated
mailing lists. Press 1 above. They know you're mad at
congress, and thanks to caller ID, they'll have your
number.
Your dedicated incumbent can call you at 4 a.m. to explain the peculiarities of the house bank. His challenger will buy your number, so she can tell you that she can balance a checkbook and the federal budget.
You'll be able to express your opinion on the vital questions of the day, and the people who desperately want to reach you will know how to find you. There will be aggravations, but it's a small price to pay for democracy.
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